skycatcher

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First I'd like to say hello to everyone since I really don't post, just enjoy reading good discussions and well, looking at dirty pics

My Ex and I have been apart for about a month now. We were together for 3 years, which is an incredible amount of time for me since she was my 23rd GF from the time I was 15-21. I'm now 24 and I fear that the "old" me has come back from the depths.

I used to cheat like crazy, date 2+ girls at the same time, etc. Basically I didn't care. I do want to stress that I was never cruel or caused anyone pain. Just about all of my breakups went smoothly and everyone moved on.

Now.... I met my ex 3 years ago and she had only been with 2 other guys before me who were complete jerks. I'm typically a really nice guy with a craving for sex at least once a day or more although it doesn't HAVE to be that often.

During the 1st 6 months everything was great. We had sex regularly and it was good. She wouldn't give me a BJ or Anal, but she was just scared at that time so we took it slow. 1st came the BJ. She actually started enjoying it and would give me a BJ while I was coding something on the PC, lol. Great times.

Then came anal - it took a while for her to enjoy it. We tried a bunch of ways until we found out that the only position for her to enjoy anal was for her to be on her back with her legs spread. Then she loved it.

***

All of a sudden everything did a 180. She got a lung infection and after it went away her sexdrive went from 100% to about 20% - instantly. She also didn't like chocolate anymore and I couldn't explain it. Everything just got worse from there. I always told myself that things would get better and we could work this out.

Anothe 1.5 years went by (been together for 2 years now) and things had kind of leveled out to having sex every week or so Thought it would get better.

Then for the last year it was just crazy. She refused to give me a BJ. She said that she didn't want to do it because it made her feel sick

Then she didn't want to do anal anymore because it was gross

So WTF happened???

About 6 months ago I couldn't take it anymore and told her she needs to put out or leave - literally - and she said it was my problem - not hers

I told her flat out that I would go and cheat on her if she kept this up since I had started fantasysing about other women. She didn't have any reaction.

So I did it and had sex with someone else just to get the sex that I longed for.

Then about 1.5 months ago she got into my email account (a failure to close it on my part) and read all my messages

So I admitted to it and she was, of course, furious but wouldn't understand my reasons for doing so.

Then she said she was going to move away so she didn't have to see me again and I later found out she was trying to start a relationship with her 1st cousin down there WTF

So I don't know if they've had sex or not but that's IMO just sick. She says she still has feelings for me but she doesn't know why she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.

Hell, I'd be fine with sex at lest 3 times a week, or something on a regular basis but the once every 3-4 weeks during the last 6 months was just unbearable.


What the hell happened? How can a person do a complete 180 in regards to their sex drive? I have never encountered anything like this before. Personally i think she needs to see a shrink if she's planning on hooking up with me again.

Anyone have any advice/comments/or related stories to help me understand what could have happened? I don't think a lung infection could have caused all of this and I know that I didn't do anything that may have affected her in that way.

Jabooty_3

I don't really have an idea of what could have caused this?

Don't many people say that a woman's sex drive decreases after being in a relationship for a while, or at least after marriage?

kulotsalot

Is she on medication that might lower her sex drive? Did she talk to her doctor about it? Are there any other control issues in the relationship? Sometimes sex is used as a bargaining chip by women, because when they don't put out they feel they have the power over something that you want and they can control it. Sometimes it is a matter of trying to get back at the other person (you don't help with the housework - no sex, etc). Are you treating her good or did that become taken for granted given the length of time you've been together?

Sometimes, people are so focused on the WHAT. You need to know WHY. You already know what the problem is - decreased sex drive. But why? Have you talked to her (not "What the hell is wrong with you?!" kind of talk but "Hey sweetie mind if we talk?") or voiced your concerns? When you tell her you want sex do you just say "But we used to have sex so often!" or do you say "Because I miss the intimacy, want to feel close to you" etc? Sometimes when it is all a person hears, she will think you are treating her solely as a sex object. She has to understand - why does it have to be with her? If you just wanted to get off then right? But why do you want HER involvement specifically? Not because it is "her job" as the GF, but because it must mean something to you. Because she is special, means a lot to you, etc. Of course she gets off too - but she won't want to hear that. Girls' brains work differently from guys. "You're so hot I just wanna bone ya" don't work as well as all the lovey-dovey sort of words (make sure you sort-of mean them...) especially when there is a rift, like in this situation.

skycatcher

No :(



The only issue we had was that she wanted me to go out to the club more that I was (I was always tired after coming home from work which involbed a 3 hr drive home on fridays) and was upset when I just wasn't up for it.



I've never treated her bad. I've always let her do as she pleased and even let her go out to the club without me where she would meet guy friends. I've always told her that I will care for her as best I can but I knew I couldn't always satisfy her needs to go clubbing so I arranges for replacements to keep her entertained. Even when she was drunk she didn't want sex.



I'll be 100% honest here. To me it's the partners job to please their counterpart. That's how relationships work - you join together to overcome obstacles and various situations in life - together. It's her job to give me sex and it's my job to give treat her well and show her that I love her.

I told her that the sex isnt just sex to me; when I sleep with her it's a physical form of expressing my love for her and that she makes me incredibly happy when I can show that. I said she's the one I have dedicated myself to and I love our sex. (I have an A+ in understanding women so I can tell her what it is that she wants to hear although this statement was stretching it a bit, any women would have loved it).

She said she has fun and that it's still exciting (she always comes when I do since our rhythm has synced together) but she just doesn't feel the need for it. It's not necessary and our relationship should not revolve around sex.



Edit: @ Booty: Yeah this is true but you don't go from sleeping together 1-3x a day to once every 3-4 weeks

kulotsalot

Well, what else did she have to say?

skycatcher

Only that she doesn't know why she doesn't want to have sex anymore. She understands that I want/need it but she has no explanation for it.

I'm completely stumped

Think therapy sessions would have an effect?

throatyogurt

sounds like you are a bit too focused on sex. it is good and all, but there are other things in a relationship. tho, if the fires aren't burning... (so yeah, can't say you are at fault for wanting intimacy with your one) i think she didn't want to be with you anymore, esp if she didn't react when you threatened to cheat. i'd almost say she was finding sex somewhere else. i'd throw that out to her, b/c it is prob true. find someone else, you're still young. it is what i did

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ff7799

Sorry to hear about your troubles, I pretty stumped on what advice could even begin given in such a situation. Good Luck.

lizard2202

no one to be blamed here..but the truth is, she didnt likes u anymore.. most probably ur unothordox sex made her crazy like hell. she found other much caring, nice, good-sex-drive, loving guy...that's it.. she's one-man-woman. anyway good luck

skycatcher

Well here's the update:

She still wants me but she can't trust me, which I admit. The only thing that bothers her, so she says, is that I want sex and she doesn't. She said she can go without sex for a year and it won't phase her, although she says the sex we have is fun... I suggested we both go to a psychiatrist to see if we can find what caused the problem and she freaked out. She doesn't need a psych and that sort of thing.

I think this will be a neverending struggle until we go see a shrink and can solve the problem...or we just never get back together :o

Women are such hard work

skycatcher

Well then... update AGAIN! Sorry for bringing this back but insane things happened.

I found ALL of this out about 2 weeks ago....please keep in mind that I had no idea that any of this was going on before then.

She hooked up with her cousing for 3 weeks and was in love with him. Apparently she was in love with him the last 6 years but refused to admit it (I read her msn logs that friends of mine sent to me).

His family and ex forced them to end their relationship because of the moral issues involved in dating your cousin! She denied that he broke up with her, said it was a mutual thing.

Then she slept with this black bouncer at a club.

We got back together about 2 weeks after that (I had no idea). When I asked her if she'd had sex with him she said no and even told me I could call him to check if I didn't believe her...I did believe her so I didn't call.

Then she apparently kept seeing the guy for about 1.5 months on and off.

She had sex with him like 2 weeks ago wednesday, then invites me to go to the club with heron saturday. We go and I see the guy standing like 2 ft from us, still no idea what's going on.

Then we go home and have sex.

on sunday morning she kind of pressures me to go because she still has some things to take care of.

Then she goes out with another guy on Sunday evening and tells me nothing happened. I found out they went to the movie and then he drove her to his place and she slept there.

I found all this out on tueday. I was pissed as hell and called her up to confront her. She denied most of it and after a good hour the truth came out.

So she tried to start a relationship with her cousin and was turned down, came back to me.

She tried to start a relationship with the guy at the club and was turned down because all he wanted was sex. Then she comes back to me.

Then tried to start a relationship with the other guy on sunday but I guess he turned her down also.

I find all this out on tuesday.

If you read the original post, I cheated on her a while ago but it was just sex. If she would have just cheated I would have been ok with it since I did it too, but lying to my face, sleeping around with multiple guys and then coming back to me because she knows that I'll take care of her is absolutely unforgivable. She should have just said she doesn't love me anymore and that would have been the end of it.

There are many more details but this is the just of it and should explain the situation.

The part about not wanting sex was true, she didn't want it.....with me.... apparently she did have a lust for sex since it didn't bother her to sleep with everyone else except for the man that's taken care of her for the last 3.5 years.

It's a sad sad world we live in.

The good news is that once I found out that she didn't love me I wasn't heartbroken anymore... I just didn't understand all the things she did like take me to the club where I had to see the guy who slept with my woman 3 days ago.... but it wasn't so that I would see him... it was because he just wanted sex and told her there's no relationship and she took me to show me off to him (since she didn't tell him she had a BF).

At least now I'm rid of a woman that would just stay with me because I took care of her. Life goes on