Shiva88

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Serious relationship issues… First a little background.

So I’m starting my senior year of college, and been dating the same girl (who I’ve known since Jr. high) for 3 ½ years. We’ve got (had) a fantastic relationship, rarely fight, sex is great, her family loves me, etc etc. We had been starting to seriously discuss marriage, at least until last spring. Through a series of events, which culminated in me reading her email (via a keylogger I’d installed on my computer to obtain her password), I discovered that she had hooked up with another guy at college at the very end of last year and slept with him twice. For what it’s worth, we’d both been virgins before we hooked up. We had a couple of long, emotional conversations and decided we’d try to work things out. I demanded that she never talk to this other guy again, caught her doing it once more, and it hasn’t (I believe) happened again since. She has been extremely regretful about it since, and is trying hard to make things work.

That all happened last May. Now I find myself back at school (she lives about an hour away from here), and the entire situation is really starting to bother me more and more. There’s a part of me that desperately wants to tell her I need a break, see other people, etc, mostly because I think I’m jealous that she’s had the opportunity to do that, and I haven’t. On top of that, there are so many other women here at school that I'd love to get to know better, but never had the chance. My question is, what do you all think? Am I giving up too soon? Do I need to stay the course longer? Am I right to feel that her betrayal gives me the right to essentially return the act? We told each other that if this ever happened, our relationship would be over, and yet I’ve let her get away with it. Basically I’m just really confused, hurt, and looking for answers… anyone?

Thanks in advance, and sorry for the long post.

pimpinvg

wow man, thats tough, not sure what ta tell you other than you'll regret hooking up with some random chick just because you feel justified to do so because of her actions, if you really love her it will kill you inside that you did it even though you feel you can get away with it because of what she did

jimmytchi2000

Every situation is different, so my advice might help, it might hurt. I was in a relationship with a girl in college for the better part of 2 years. Everything went well, and then one day she was like lets take a break. Well she started seeing some other dude and it really hurt me. We always remaind really close, but things were never the same. Well long story short, one night we were doing something in her apartment, and we just hooked up. No more than 2 seconds after I was done zipping up my pants, he called and things blew up. After a month or two we decided to get back together. The relationship was not right from that point on. We fought alot more, and we both really changed.

However, I do feel that breaks are there for a reason. If either of you are thinking of taking a break, it usually means that you no longer have the same feelings for each other that you once did. And thats alright. To be honest with you bro, if you thinking that...in a way you've already moved into a different mindset in this relationship. I think that sooner or later you are going to take this break, and really enjoy yourself. Your still young, probably 21-24....i'm 26 now and have found the most amazing girl that i have ever met. I love her more than i have ever loved someone else. So my advice is if your thinking of taking a "break", take it. If end the end you end up with this girl, than good. If not thats fine as well. There is always another girl that might be "the one".

IMO

webace18

Dude one i'd like to say that i've been there to so i know how you feel. Well me and my girl didn't work out but for diff resions. Have you told her how you feel... i know we're guys we don't tell girls how we feel but i'm telling youat least tell her that your worried about "us" ya know. since you devirginised each other there is a bound. It feels great untill it wears off. When she had sex with that other guy the feelings the must have been going through her head. I'll give you my best advice and i hope you take it cause it's free. Talk with her, tell her what you posted and what YOU want to do, if you guys were talkin' about mairrage before you craked her password (which reminds me what were the dates on those emails anyway?) then that means she's serious and if you've checked it since and found no more mail from that guy then put the past were it belongs.

"Before you can walk in some one elses shoes you first must remove your own"

It means you must try to see why she just didn't leave you for him before you try to see why she did it in the first place.

m3m750

If you went through the trouble of installing a key logger to get her password, you don't trust her and shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

Juan.©amaney

1. Control freak.
2. Scared to let go, possible co-dependance issue.
3. You will never let go of her betrayal and forigve her...it ALWAYS goes back to it.
4. You will always be curious about wanting to bang another chick. If this is the only one you ever banged you will eventually cheat.
5. IMHO your relationship will never work out anymore and the break up is going to be one seriously fucked up emotional rollercoaster.
6. Once a cheater always a cheater. There is nothing telling you she doesn't have another email account you don't know about with which she keeps in touch with this guy, or some other guy. The fact that you now have this in your head (be it on your own accord or because you just read this from me) and you being number 1 on list, you will try and hack and search and dig for stuff on her. If this poor girl is actually trying to be good after her mistake, you bother the crap out of her or digging for attention will eventually lead her to break things off with you.

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kacaman

She should drop you like a hot potato

kokob

End - regardless of which opinions above you listen to, in the end you are talking about doubting your relationship on several levels and wanting more from life. Go. Live. Let her do the same. If you want her back, go back to her after the break and see how she feels. Either way it is far better out of your system. No way will bottling this up and trying to "forget and forgive" work - not with cheating.

snarky

I have to agree that if you just go ahead and cheat on her with some random chick you will probably end up regretting it. I also have to agree that if this is the only chick you ever bang you will be curious about other girls for the rest of your life. If you want the relationship to continue, you both have to agree to stay faithful to each other, but from what you described this seems unlikely to happen. you have to take a good look at her and the relationship you have with her and how much you trust each other.

Shiva88

Wow…

I appreciate everyone’s input. I guess the biggest question that I’m wanting answered is if anyone else has been in this or a similar position- is 3 months long enough for healing?? I think it’s pretty obvious that this is still bothering me today. Without going into detail (cause, honestly, I could write forever without adequately explaining the entire situation), I can tell you that she’s honestly making an effort to make this work, and I believe that she truly has broken off all contact with this guy and feels terrible for what she did. The issue isn’t her, it’s me. Is the fact that I still can’t let this go today indicative that I’m not ever going to completely forgive her? Has anyone else dealt with this, and if so, how? As for me cheating on her, it’s anything but inevitable- I’ve made it 3 ½ years with no problem, and I know I can continue to do it if I decide to. I guess what bothers me is that she’s had the opportunity to experience things that I haven’t, and that really bothers me.

Juan.©amaney

You never forget. You can try to forgive...but 3 months? Nope. Will you be okay with her having other men friends without weirding out and asking a ton of questions? Will she stay faithful? I been in a similar situation and was a control freak like you were. If I can go back, I'd drop that bitch at the first sign of her hiding shit behind my back. But then again, it wouldn't have made me the man I am right now...no regrets, just lessons learned.

Its up to you, but IMHO you sound pussy whooped (used to one pussy and scared you can't get another one or not wllling to try). Remove the sex from your relationship for a month or two and see if you all fall appart.

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nuts5000

Take the break. You'll need it. And if she really loves you, she'd stay faithful for you nomatter how long it takes. Ok maybe not forever but at least till one of you call it quits. Then from there or till you know what you want, then act upon the situation. But for now, you feeling like this, you'll need a break. Oh stay faithful cause regrets is the last thing you want in life.

jeffc574

Hate to break it to you but, most high school romances do not survive college. A lot of girls and guys are doing some one at college and the old sweetie at home. It is just the new people.

BUT a KEYLOGGER???? lighten up. You are not ready for serious relationships.

IXxYodaxXI

Well speaking from both points of view here... I've been the Cheater and the Cheatee. The times I've cheated it wasnt because I was curious about what it would be like to be with another woman... its because I didnt see it as a big deal, hence I never realy cared for the woman in the first place. Ive cheated on long term relationships and short term relationships. However I will stipulate that the entire time I was cheating was while I was young. Young people do stupid shit even though they know better, for the life of me I cant explain why.
There is a 10yr difference between my current woman and myself (this directly bears on the following so keep up with me here) My current woman cheated on me and when I found out about it I was absolutely livid. As it was with someone I at the time considered a friend I felt betrayed and hurt. After kick'n the living shit outta him and completely isolate'n my self from her for a while she called me one day out of the blue asking to meet and have a "talk". As I still had feelings for her I agreed and we got together and discussed the situation, she told me that she had been miserable with out me and that while she could never take back what happened she would regret it for the rest of her life. The way she sounded when we talked led me to believe that she may have been serious about it so I decided to give her a second chance... the entire time we have been back together she to the best of my knowlege hasnt been with anyone else but I watched her like a hawk for any sign of duplicity or lies. We are now happily married because she truely wanted to be with me and I was adult enough to let it go. It is not something I reccomend for anyone who is not willing to stay the course because it will drive you somewhat crazy. There will always be issues as to why she cheated, what could you have done differently, was it your fault she cheated... blah blah blah. In the end it all boils down to this:
Do you love her enough to forgive her for her transgression. It takes a big man to forgive something like this. Some can not, its not a knock against their charracter its just that they simply are not made like that. Given that you are young and about to graduate college I say take the break, explain to her that you are feeling what you feel and why. It seems that you have more of an issue with the fact that she has experienced something you havent than the fact that she cheated on you. In my experienced opinion this isnt good or healthy for the relationship. If after you guys take your break and you find yourself still wanting her after youve been with other women and she's willing great. Give it a go, just remember its best to let a sleeping dog lie, Meaning dont bring up the past... it happened you can either forgive and forget or throw it in her face till she's sick of hearing about it and cuts you loose.