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Ok guys, I've been in a relationship w/ my current girlfriend for just over a year and half now. I love her to death, we make each other happy, and overall its just great.

I am not a very confrontational or strong willed guy, and I know it. There have been a few times where something happened and maybe I couldn't step up to the plate for her, and I know it makes her feel terrible and me even worse. But this was a while ago; and I promised her if something like what happened ever occurred again, I would be there for her. And something like that recently happened (some guy she said was harassing her), and she told me about it, well, I know when and where I can confront the guy about it, so I make up my mind to do it then and there. Well, she misinterprets my relative outward indifference for not caring, and, when reliving the story to some friends, promptly informs them that I intend to do nothing.

I tell her that I do indeed intend to do something (as I formerly promised) and that she obviously has zero confidence in me. She goes off angry (and me as well).

I confront the guy as soon as I could, tell her that I took care of it, and immediately go home. She calls me later because I was mad and I tell her because she basically publicly degraded me and didn't care about it. She goes OFF on all my past mistakes, which pisses me off because I tell her she has to make a choice: she can either ACTUALLY forgive me for those things (and I am very sorry that I ever did them) and move on knowing that I've changed for the better or she can't. She starts crying, yells at me that she doesn't know what to think of me anymore. We haven't talked since (about 2 days ago), and I don't know what to do.

I am still mad, but I know I want to be with her. Its a question of if she wants to be with me; but it seems she just doesn't want to talk to me; I've tried talking to her at least 10 times since the fight and every time she just leaves.

Any ideas?... *sad*

theworldismytoy

That's a tough one...After reading through a couple times just to make sure I got it all straight I have to say that I really can't see much fault on your part. Unfortunatly this means that ultimatly this isn't your's to fix. You did what you thought was right and it didn't get communicated well to her. One thing I would say is, don't try and push her to talk to you. She needs to come to you on her own terms. You right to tell her that she can't blame you for every little thing and she will have to let it go or learn to deal. But I can see how hearing that can be painful, especially if you hear that from someone you love and you know the person is right. I think in the end it's a test of time and commitment, and I can only hope it works out for you both.
~World

salamander

To understand her perspective in the least, I'd have to know something about what it was you did or didn't do in the past. The seriousness of your behavior definitely has an impact on her ability to forgive it in whatever time period it is.

Without question, it was wrong for her to debase you to her friends. Some calm clear talking

kulotsalot

You have to understand that you have established a pattern of not doing something, and she is basing her statements on your pattern of behaviour. Let me put it this way: Ever since I can remember my dad always squeezed the middle of the tube of toothpaste, which bugged the hell out of me and my mom because we think it's logical to squeeze from the bottom up. They used to fight incessantly about this when I was a kid. He said he would but he never changed. (I know it's a trivial thing but just an example)

As someone who's been witness to the toothpaste-squeezing for 20 yrs, I would bet my next paycheque that my dad would still do the same thing tomorrow morning. Kind of what you and your gf are going through right now. She believed that you will come through for her those times when she got harrassed in the past, but you never did. She started out having confidence in you, but every time she put her faith in your being her knight in shining armour (whatever her harrassment issues were) you failed to be there. This erodes her trust in you, until eventually she will reach the point where she just assumes that you will do the same thing - not do anything. Why? Because she's tired of hoping and having her hopes dashed when you do nothing.

Now, I'm not saying people can't change. You obviously have, which is admirable. BUT what I'm saying is that people who care about each other don't put each other down just like that. There is a reason why people do things, and in your anger you might just be focusing on why she had no confidence that you would change, and it hurts to think that the woman you care for has so little confidence in you. THIS is why she thought that. You both have your reasons for feeling you are "right" which is true to some extent. If you two are committed to being together, leave it for a few days and let your tempers cool. A good talk and trying to be in the other person's shoes will help in mending fences. I suggest that when you do talk, do not try to win a war (i.e. I am right and you're wrong), but rather try to accept that things happened the way they did, resolve to put the past behind you and work to get things back together.

salamander

I see your point kulots and agree. I have to wonder though why this girl has had so many incidents that her boyfriend has to stand up for her. That sounds strange to me. Regardless, I think it was wrong for her to debase him. You don't do that to someone you love.