jtmonkey666

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Well, my current relationship is on the verge of ending and of course there are a lot of things buzzing around in my head. My g/f is great in a lot of ways, but she just isn't 'the one'. What surprised me was that it was so obvious to my friends and family. We had a good time together, and the relationship I think was something that I needed at this time in my life, for a number of reasons. I am wondering now if I really gave it a fair enough try at the beginning. I think maybe I started this reationship knowing that she wasn't 'the one'. Was this just selfish of me, or am I justified in just trying this as a learning experience? Are all relationships an attempt to find 'the one'? Should they be? That was just some stream of consciousness raving. I guess I just needed to throw some of this stuff out there, feel free to comment or whatever.

Juan.©amaney

Some will tell you it was fucked up of you to have led her on.

Others will say, it was worth a shot.

Ultimately, it all depends on what you want and need and wether or not she provided it. Unless you were lying to the girl, not trying 100% doesn't mean anything. Dating is a hard game, sometimes you are the player, sometimes you get played. Consider yourself the teather on this one. Later, you might get schooled...its all karma.

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Lucky Bob

Couldn't have said it better meself.

Good luck with it... breaking up sucks, but being single can make up for it.

Here's hoping it does!

aquadude

If you knew she wasn't the one, why did you bother going in the first place? Do you consider it a waste of your time? Will she consider it a waste of her time? If you two are young enough to chalk this up to experience, that's fine. However, if you led the girl on to believe that you would marry her, then you did something very bad.

Juan.©amaney

I don't (didn't) go into every relationship thinking marriage. Most relationships after the 1st real bad break up I had I went in just to date and see other girls. You are giving it a shot because you think something might come out of it if you spend enough time togehter. If not, at least you had some few good memories together and can go about your business.

Unless he actually told her he saw them going somewhere if she stuck around long enough...its just dating. There are no rules in love/relationships.

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OrdinaryGirl

I don't think every relationship is a quest for the holy grail of Significant Others. It's a way to learn and grow and discover things about yourself. Who can guarantee from day one that that person is the one, anyway? True love takes time to grow and deepen and the person you think you know at the beginning is not always who you discover they really are.


But then again, I don't believe humans are meant to find one person they mate with for life. I think we change too much and the odds of someone changing along with you to keep parallel paths is very unlikely.

Perhaps there are different "ones" for different times in your life.

clt_capt

It takes time and a lot of work to make a relationship work. Even though she might have seemed like just what you were looking for, once you got to know each other, you may have learned better - maybe your interests don't match or maybe your relationship is keeping you from doing the things you really want to do (I don't mean sex necessarily).

It is probably much better to end that relationship than to get married because everyone expects that, to have kids - now you are messing with a whole bunch of lives.

Break it off and find what you want - either Ms Right or Ms Right-Now.

TheMooninites

I agree with Lucky Bob I couldn't have said it better myself.


Ya I totally agree with that OG.

Well, your relationship is ending what a bummer but hey it seems you won't be to broken up about it.

So what exactly is it that is giving you a hint the relationship will be ending?

Well, it seems even if the relationship wasn't ending you should have probably ended it as you don't seem to invested into it.

Well, best of luck on getting over the break-up.
And moving onto another girl or girls.

Lucky13

If you're gonna break up, now is the best time. It's the summer man, go enjoy yourself.

salamander

There is never a way to know what's going to come of dating someone. Things evolve as you get to know each other. I am a very straightforward and open person and appreciate it in return, though that's rare. I wouldn't want to be mislead, but sometimes it's just fun for a while or a learning experience and nothing more. Relationships happen for a variety of reasons. I certainly don't start dating anyone expecting him to be my soulmate.

IceShire

If you know you are not into it then let it go, cause its better for you both in the long run if you just don't hang on to hang on. It will just hurt more later if you do.

Best of luck, man

ButterMup

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out, jtmonkey.
Even if hindsight indicates that you may not have had very high expectations for this to last very long, I know it's still difficult to think of any relationship as having been shallow, superficial, and ultimately just a matter of self-gratification and convenience (one night stands notwithstanding, as they're exclusively shallow and superficial by design; I'm talking about those rare and elusive invested relationships with a little bit of substance which doesn't just dissolve like a low-lying fog at daybreak).

The fact of the matter is that's the way the cookie crumbles, though, and when you involve yourself with somebody, there's always a substantial chance that what you're going to end up getting back in return for all your trust and affection is some dinged-up pride, a small mason jar full of what's left of your heart, and a sense that it's all just a bunch of malarky, so who gives a damn anyway...

The trick is not to let it make you bitter, guy.
Stiff upper lip, and all that.

The good news is that for every relationship you're in, no matter how unceremoniously it ends, you've taken away something important, something more than you arrived with, something like self-awareness, or the knowledge that not every fling is The Big Love (which is a beautiful concept, and one which I wholelheartedly believe exists, but is very hard to come by...more on that later), nor is all adoration necessarily reciprocated.
I'm sure you've learned something from her, and she from you, and that alone is enough to make the whole damned fiasco worthwhile.

Besides. It was fun while it lasted, hey?

...Anyway, on to the topic of "The One" (since you asked).
My opinion differs here from the otherwise fine advice of folks such as OG, with whom I see eye-to-eye on a number of standpoints and butt head-to-head on all others, and Moonie, who agrees with everything OG says solely because she said it.

Is the goal in every relationship finding "The One"?
Absolutely not. Not directly, at least.
That's the part I do agree with: some relationships just aren't going to last, no matter what, and often, we find ourselves entering into situations like that to fill some selfish, transient need, be it for companionship, stability, someone to do our dishes and fold our shirts and massage our calves, or whathaveyou.
But does that mean that there isn't such a thing as "The One" at all?
Now my opinion diverges from the fold, because I don't believe that a bit.
I see opinions like those above, and it occurs to me how popular it is to rationalize love - with a lowercase "l", make note - these days, to make a systematic process of elimination out of it when something doesn't shake down the way it was hoped that it would.

I don't believe in the idea that there are multiple "Ones" for different periods in a person's life, like clothes for different seasons or interchangeable sets of tires for driving in varying weather conditions.
To me, that's a copout, as though to say, "Well, that didn't go very well, but it's okay. There's no such thing as a relationship worth making a lifelong commitment out of anyway. Not my problem; that was just a phase. Next!"

Don't get me wrong - that sort of thing happens to us all at one time or another, and for some people, that might be all they ever need...but if that's not your game, then don't be scared away from the idea that there's a "One" out there, monkey.
This "One" is not someone who simply fills a need at a time, and is then outgrown and discarded in lieu of the next diversion in line. That reduces every relationship to nothing more outstanding than a fleeting liasion between "The Last One" and "The Next One", and there's not a damned thing special about that at all.

I firmly belive that it's possible to find someone who is so well-suited to you that, despite the natural differences to which all of us are heir (Who wants someone exactly like themselves, anyway? God, please, no!), as you grow and learn and change as a person, so too will they...like a glove which, instead of ripping at the seams when you flex your fingers or make a fist, stretches and crinkles and bends to fit without ever losing its original form.
And so too will you find yourself fitting perfectly on them.
If anything, I believe that time, circumstance, and change will draw two people meant to be together that much closer, not force them inevitably apart.

So no, not every relationship should be expected to develop into the end-all of your life's purpose or anything so silly as that. Try to make it so, and you'll just make yourself a doormat. But to say that such a thing is impossible simply because we, as humans, change over the course of our lives is equally ridiculous.
Just as you change, then so, too, does your significant other. That's how we filter out the temporary involvements from the ones that will last until our dying days...and in that way, half-assed "just for now" relationships do serve a purpose in teaching us which is which...but to convince yourself that it's human nature to always eventually outgrow the one you're with is folly.
Buy into that, and you're just wasting your time; you might as well pick up a hooker and call it a day.

...Ultimately, whether each of us ever finds our "One" is a matter of much debate, monkeyboy, but I wish you good luck out there just the same, whatever ultimately works for you.
Go get 'em.

kulotsalot

My last (and first) relationship was almost at its fourth year when it expired. I had this very, very, very long and painful deliberation: did I waste four years of togetherness, did I give it a fair chance to work out the kinks, maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I am being a wuss and quitting too soon, maybe I was being unfair and not taking his feelings into consideration (he wanted to stay together). Ultimately, I just had to accept that though it would have been nice if he WAS the One, I can't MAKE him the One no matter how long I stayed or how hard I tried. I also tell myself that counting how much time you've been together is really not that important, it's all about quality, not quantity. One wonderful year > four shitty ones. I'd rather "waste" four years of togetherness than have a whole lifetime of misery ahead of us. Meanwhile, I've learned things about myself and with 20/20 hindsight I don't regret my choice one bit. Remember, it's not about the destination, it's the journey that counts.

jtmonkey666

Thanks for all of the thoughts and ideas people. Buttermup, I agree with your post whole-heartedly. I have an amazing example of that in my parents, together over 35 years, and when they say that they are more in love now then when they got married, they mean it. That is what I am ultimately looking for, and won't settle for anything less. As for this relationship, I guess I am just a little sad about ending it. My g/f is a great girl and I really never wanted to hurt her. Then relationship has only been about 9 months, and I never even said the "L" word let alone talk about marriage, but she is a bit younger than me, young enough to maybe be thinking that way, which I think is a cause of my guilt. Anyways, I appreciate the comments and just the chance to air a few thoughts.