jcoop

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Let me start off with a background of our relationship.

We started going out my senior year, her junior year. Before I went to school it was the best relationship ever. I loved her with everything I had and she loved me the same. It was the happiest time of my life.

So, I go off to college in new hampshire, 6 hours away from home in NJ. We talk on the phone a bit, have webcame shows for each other. For the first month or two it was ok. But by thanksgiving break I was starting to feel smothered by her, and I wanted to try the single thing. I tried to break up with her over thanksgiving break, that only lasted one day before I gave it up.

I went back to school, but I was being somewhat of an asshole to her. I wasn't paying attention to her on the phone, and she was trying so hard to stay in touch with me. Mailing me letters nearly every other day,etc. The relationship lasts through winter break, but is shaky. Finally, she breaks up with me a couple days after valentines day.

This break up lasts a little more than a month. We got back together because she wanted to be able to hang out with me, but I told her that I couldn't do that if I wasn't "with her" if I couldn't hold her hand, couldn't kiss her. So, we got back together.

The last break up really made me realize how much I love this girl. I mean I really really love her. I used to have the puppy love with her, but for me it has matured into a phenomenal love for her. I love every little imperfection she has, every freckle, everything.

Well, as I said we had gotten back together, and now I was really really appreciating her. I realized what I had lost and I was doing everything in my power to make it up to her. Well, this weekend I drove home to see her star in a school play. The entire weekend I felt rejected, neglected and abused. I told her this and we had a conversation. Things got real emotional, I asked her if she still loved me and she burst into tears and says she lost it. Well, at this point we're both hysterically crying. She says she feels something, but it's not the same thing, now she could just be saying this to make me feel somewhat ok.


Now I have to get her back. I can't concentrate on anything, I have no desire to anything except make this girl fall back in love with me. Im going to everything I possibley can do make her know how much I love her. I have a couple ideas of what Im going to do, but I was wondering if anyone has any has any good ideas to help her remember how she used to feel.

I know I can make her love me again, I made her love me the first time, I know I can do it again.

-A sad, desperate jcoop

CD

Sometimes you have to put her needs and desires ahead of yours. If she doesn't want to get back together and you do love her, love her enough to say that you can move on for her sake.

Sorry though... sucks to feel that way towards someone when it has a chance to never be.

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3nigm4tic

Unrequited love blows.

Seriously, I know how you feel in that department... and, honestly, I know what its like to make somebody feel that way. Both sides of the issue feel pretty bad.

Like what CD said... if you love her enough.. you can love her needs before yours and let her be happy. Its hard, and it takes time to think it through, but hell... emotions suck like that sometimes.

that all said... Have you tried the standard romantic moves. Tried to do something extra special for her that would rekindle the flame? Surprise her with something you both used to do together all the time (ok no surprise sex) and see if she gets back in to the swing of it?

throatyogurt

I know I can make her love me again, I made her love me the first time, I know I can do it again.

Dude, I hate to say this; but it sounds like you done fucked up. I know that this is something you would say "No shit Captain Obvious" to. But in this case, all you can do is hope. You already ignored the shiz out of her ass. You had her and didn't try.

I don't think she was lying when she said she still feels something. I mean, this girl was sending you letters every other day. That takes time and money. I would say that you get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness. But if she says no after you try many times (tho don't let it interfere with that education) then I would say moving on would show her how much you really love her. CD was right. Put her first. If that isn't enough now that you screwed up, give up. Plenty of fish in the sea my man.... Sorry to hear about that tho.

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kwyk

I'd probably just tell her that I still love her, but that I don't feel like I should force myself upon her, given all the ups and downs you've had together. I'd leave the ball in her court. "I will be here if and when you need me" kind of thing. I'd call her every week or so, see her when it works out, send her a little gift once in a while. Just let her know you're still there, you're thinking of her, and willing to make a go of it whenever she sees the light. In the meantime, I'd be screwing my brains out with all the hot chicks I could find, just to help wash away the pain.

Juan.©amaney

jcoop, you sound like you have control issues. You won't and can't ever "make" a person feel something for you. You've learned one of life's hardest lessons...you fucked up a perfectly good thing and wont ever get it back. Cut your losses, keep your hope, but prepare to move on.

This is what makes people assholes in a relationship. At least next time you'll know better...

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jcoop

The worst part is that now I'm back at school, making the nice romantic things hard as hell.

Im gonna start sending her special letters every other day, things that will remind her how much I love her.

jcoop

Kwyk, I like your idea. I might do that.

And juan, it's strange that you picked up on those control issues. I am really possessive of her. I wish I could just cut my losses, and maybe I will eventually, but I have to at least try.

3nigm4tic

yeah like I pointed out, getting screwed over in love (whoever's fault it is) is one of the hardest things to get screwed over in.

Live, learn, and hope that people can fall in love twice

kwyk

Atta boy. No point in being lonely while you're miserable, I always say. Plus, you'll probably find somebody you like more while you're out there "drowning those sorrows" in that sea of heavenly femaleness.

ph8phan

Love is hard Jcoop. I'm in the same boat with my ex, almost to the T. We live 7 hours apart and she also used send me cards and postcards all the time and i too felt smothered and acted like an ass. So we broke up but then got back together though things were not the same. I tried so hard not to lose her again but my actions before mad it hard. So she left me this final time about a month ago. She tells me she still loves me but can't be with me right now. Like you i tried everything but all she wants is for me to leave her alone, so that is what i'm doin because i love her. Hopefully by doin what she wants she'll come back and we could start over. Sorry i didn't give any advice just thought i'd show you my situation and in some way help you.

ButterMup

I didn't want to comment in this thread, as it strikes a chord whch I'm not wholly comfortable discussing...but it sounds to me like you're really hurting badly, 'coop, and even though it's totally your fault, you should know that someone out here empathizes.
I empathize because I understand entirely too well how love can make a person a little bit too possessive, too protective, too defensive, too ignorant of anything beyond what's right in front of his face.
In trying to hang on, desperately, to the thing which we most value, we can become so obsessed over keeping that perfect love within our grasp that we don't see the flaws in ourselves, nor how we impose those flaws onto the relationship in question, until it's too late.
What'd Janis Joplin croon about almost 30 years ago? "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?"
Truer words, my friend, were never spoken.

While I believe wholeheartedly that there is nothing in the world which should be so unchecked, so passionate, so ridiculously, ludicrously over-the-top as should true love (for what's love worth if not given freely and completely?), it has been proven to me time and again that to let oneself become blinded by that selfsame passion is a folly of the worst sort.
We become so infatuated with our own expectations that such a love will persevere though anything that we get a little bit lax. We let slip some things we shouldn't and expect them to be overlooked. We say things, do things, ignore things, minimize some things and blow others way out of proportion, avoid things...we fuck it all up, piece by piece, never realizing until the killing blow that all along, had we only been more respectful of our better half's own feelings, we could have seen what was happening, and could well have averted such a disaster.
I hate to say it, but you did exactly those things which I'm cautioning against, and now you're reaping what you've sown. This is a disaster of your own making, painful though that may be.

There's unfortunately little advice anyone, myself included, can give you. There's no "magic bullet" which will make her love you again, without question.
It may well be that she's just had enough, and she's entirely within her rights if that's the case.
Then again, it may be that if she's given time to think about it a bit, she can come to realize that you mean enough to her to give it another shot...but if you want that to happen, 'coop, you're going to have to swallow some pride, hang your ass out on the line, and make amends.

It sounds to me as though a number of apologies from you to her are in order, and believe me, while "I'm sorry" doesn't fix a goddamned thing, a little remorse never killed a guy, and it can't hurt to show her that you're really regretful of the mistakes you've made...but you have got to mean it.
You've got to be willing to try harder, to be a better person, to pay more attention to her, to respect her, to reciprocate her affection, to keep her absolutely first and foremost in your mind.
If you love her as much as you say you do, that's no sacrifice at all.

So...with all that having been said, I think you should go for it. Talk to her.
Suck it up and decide beforehand that you're going to listen to anything she has to say, be it good or bad, and that you're not going to be offended when she tells you why she broke it off.
Recognizing your own mistakes beforehand can make you alot more sympathetic when she brings them up herself, so come to terms with you before you take it to her.

You've gotta try, fella. That's all you can do, and if she agrees to try again, that's great!
If she doesn't...then let it go. No amount of exertion can force a woman's heart.

I hope everything works out for the best.

Juan.©amaney

Not strange at all, cool dude. I've been there and done that...never again. I picked it up on the language you used to describe your situation.

I'll tell you one thing. If you end up brainwashing her with enough "trying" to get her to give you another chance, don't expect her to be the same and don't push her into anything. Keep your cool and respect her wishes.

It took me a loooong time to get where I am today with control issues...keep your cool.

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CD

Not a good idea. Try 1 big attempt, but do not do the every other day thing. That would be flooding her emotions when she needs to think. If you keep bugging her then it's a no for certain. Good luck.

edit: Just noticed ButterMup is about to hit his 1000th post soon. Way to go Butters!

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