Juan.©amaney

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His idea of talking dirty in bed is telling you he has a cock.
If he wants to cook you a romantic dinner on the second date, he’s cheap.
The guy who believes a “meaningful conversation” includes quoting The Simpsons, Ben Stiller flicks, and any trilogy.
He owns anything Sean John, and lounges in velour. Ew.
If he paws at his balls and responds with a, “Ohhh, yeah, those are ripe.” He’ll probably always prefer the smell of his own soggy balls and farts to your perfumed skin. Be the umpire and throw his foul balls out.
He drinks pink adult beverages claiming he’s fine with his sexuality. You’ll have to fight over your china pattern, bedding fabric, and candle scent. And he’ll critique your shoes.
If he favors generic vanilla wafer cookies, just-add-water products, and frozen chicken wings, your life together will be as slow as the people who work at Duane Reade.
If he refers to himself as “pappi” get a restraining order.
If he rides the cart at the supermarket, and you’re hoping he’ll grow out of it once your basket is filled with Luvs, find another love.
He says he’s got a lot of stuff to do first thing the next morning… playing the quelle cool-hand-luke card. “A lot of stuff” involves “taking a shit.” Period.
When he examines all the flatware and then polishes it with his napkin while you’re out to dinner, he’s a control freak who will obsess over the organization of your entire life, right down to the coat closet.
If the Ken in your life calls you “dude,” or emails “whut up?” send him Skipper’s way. He’s not ready for Barbie.
His idea of clever is, “I’m just joshing.” You might want to keep this one around, actually. You’ll lose at least five pounds of holiday bloat with all the vomiting.
The Oral Sex South Beach Dieter: if he won’t eat carbs, he’ll suck at eating you in bed.
His “cool wardrobe” consists of the windows of Banana Republic and Brooks Brothers. He doesn’t know from risks, and your life together will be dreary.
If he whines, squeals, or giggles, you’ll have to constantly remind yourself he’s not the one with the ovaries.
If his face turns red and he gets tight-lipped when you kick his ass at Scrabble, he’s a loser in more ways than one.
The 007 who convinces you he’s suave with his half-stand at the dinner table, myriad hard-to-obtain-reservations, and imposing vocabulary until you hear him whine to his mother.
If he can’t IM you and still get his work done, he’s a horrible multi-tasker; you’ll never achieve simultaneous orgasms.
He pulls a loose strand of hair aside for you, tucking it behind your ear on the second date. It’s his power move, and it’s never sincere.
He still wants to go to Turks & Caicos Club Med. Enough said.
If he doesn't put the moves on by the end of the third date, he’s terrible at closing other deals, too. Take heed.
Bankers or hedgefunders who still consider themselves bankers past the age of 29; they’re insecure and hopelessly dull.
Surgeons. They’ve got a sloppy God complex that spills over into their social lives.
Any white guy who busts into ghettochat just because he plays b-ball, knows guys who work the door, or listens to jazz.
The never-been-married post 40-year-old man whom romantically claims to still want a wife and kids. He's holding out for an imaginary perfect 10 and will never be happy.
Any guy that a) has a musical instrument but has never played professionally, b) has a canvas and paints but never been in a gallery, c) has truffle oil but is not a chef at a restaurant; he is only marginally talented, and you’ll be forced to enjoy his "talents" in awe for too long.
The guy who openly deprecates gifts of jewelry; he thinks every girl is after his money even though he doesn't earn half as much as most men in Manhattan. He’s not WORTH your time.
He claims to be a metrosexual aloud. He’s gay.
He stares in the mirror. He’s not only, as you would suspect, obsessed with his looks; he’s trying to casually check out the other woman across the bar. He’ll never be satisfied with just you.
He already knows the words to Gavin DeGraw songs. He’s too effeminate to spank you in bed.
He’s obsessed with his balls because he’s got nothing else going on.
Men with bottles of “thinning hair” shampoos and sprays. He likely takes Propecia and has no sex drive.
A man who excuses himself from the table, saying he has to “tinkle.” Oy.
When you’re upset over something he has done, he claims, “But I’m just a dumb boy, not worthy of your emotions.” Believe him.
He’s sensitive and wants to talk about your relationship all the fucking time. Thread count notwithstanding, some things are just too soft, and soft doesn’t do us much good in the bedroom. I don’t care what he’s read in Cosmo.
A man who trims. He’s hoping it will look bigger; but, here’s a newsflash, it’ll always feel small.
A man who when you mention Astroglide replies, “Oooh, the one with the purple cap? That shit’s the bomb.”
Anyone who says, “the bomb,” “nizzle,” or “bi-atch.”
If he shaves, waxes, or lazers his arms, legs, or chest and isn’t a professional swimmer or diver, swim away.
Any man who wears a class ring, pinky ring, or metal necklace. Run.
He quotes Shakespeare, reads the Iliad for fun, and doesn't just own, but uses, drink coasters. He'll want to see your wedding dress before you actually buy it to ensure it's up to snuff.
He has a subscription to Maxim or Gay Men’s Health; he’s still in college.
If when you go out for sushi, he always orders chicken teriyaki, you’ve got a chicken shit on your hands with no sense of adventure.
Avoid any man who speaks with his mother more than twice a week; he might as well still be milking.
He invests in a Sports Club L.A. membership to only use the elliptical and treadmill. He's shallow, and his idea of introspection is picking his nose.
"Wait did I tell you this already?" is his code for "I'm dating a lot of other women, even though I'm going to pretend we're exclusive by avoiding 'the talk.'"
He says "fine" then fucks the ex-girlfriend that broke his heart. Can we say passive aggressive?

The giggle, jewelry, and ex-gf thing fit me So, THAT'S why I'm single...

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sonrisa10201

wow!! that was long!! but it made me laugh cuz i know a LOT of guys that fit into more than one of them...

Kingfish

Hah. Wow. If women read that my love life is over.

AmorMiHombre

I'm none of the above...that i can remember, but still an excellent post mi amorito.

Hehe, but the Papi/restraining order one made ma laugh because of our earlier conversation on DR'ers.

Juan.©amaney

Hahaha, yeah them island people are weirdos.

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sillyrabbit

....my favorite

i didnt agree with all of em especially the one about gettin rid of some body hair.....i actually prefer it......and the one about triming was hilarious, thats exactly how i feel......that was pretty funny, thanks

nikkipornoface

I take offense to the above mentioned. Well, not really. Yes, they somewhat apply to me, but I dunno that they mean "stay away."

1st off, I play the drums/percussion instruments and the mandolin. Not once have I subjected my girlfriend to listening to me play them. I am an amature when it comes to those things and I know it!

2nd, I trim because I think it to be a nice thing for the girlfriend. It's a courtesy that should be observed by all!

3rd, I subscribe to Maxim and I am in college....What does that have to do with anything?!?!

Lastly, I have a problem where I repeat myself a whole lot. I often tell stories 5-6 times to the same person. I try to save some time by saying "Wait did I tell you this already?"

Now, before I get replies saying "It's just a joke"....I know it is. I'm just having a little fun at the author's expense

AmorMiHombre

I think what they meant is, if he's STILL subscribing to Maxim post-college, then there's a problem there.

nikkipornoface

Good point, Amore.



I'll just go crawl back into my hole now.....

Maybe it is better if I don't use that expression around here....with some of the sick minds, people might get the wrong idea!!!