Roxii007

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Ok here is the deal I need some non-biased opinons on a major part of my life.
I have been with the same girl now for 6 years, we have broken up a few times, and always gotten back together, things always seem to bring us back to each other. Recently we took our relationship to the next level, moved in together, and I proposed, she said yes and everything was fine until about 4 months later when she told me she was unhappy and no longer wanted to be with me. She moved out lived with her friends then with another guy, etc...
after a few months she came back to me and I thought we started to have a good time together, then she broke up with me again because she was yet again "unhappy". It's now been another two months and she wants to get back together again. I mean I love her to death she is my center, but I cant stand being hurt all these times, the thing I am wondering is will she ever grow up and be ready for commitment?
One more key role in this situation is when we started having troubles this last year was when she decided she wanted to strip for a living, and got really bad into the drug scene, and is still in it really bad. I think thats part of the reason I stay with her because I know that if I am not there in her life it will ultimately lead to her demise.

Am I fighting a loosing cause here, should I just let her go? I own my own company now and I am trying to deal with getting it to the level it needs to be and dealing with her, and she lives 30 minutes from me, and calls me and says I need to come out there "right now" to spend time with her or she will find someone else. Then when I get out there she is all nice and apologetic.

Please help me guys and gals, I really need some ideas on what to do, I love her but I dont know if it is worth it anymore.

Is there a point in a relationship, when love just isnt enough?

OrdinaryGirl

Ouch. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on. As much as you love her, until she is ready to help herself, there is nothing you can do for her. I see nothing good in the post above. It's time you stopped sacrificing yourself to be her safety net and did some things for yourself.

She is an adult making choices. She needs to suffer some of the consequences of those choices. If you are always bailing her out or shielding her from herself, she will have no reason to change. Let her go. It will be hard, but you need to take care of yourself first. And believe me, I speak from experience.

Good luck.

Roxii007

ok but in the same token, she is only 21. Her family pretty much disowned her as soon as they found out what she did for a living, and are pretty much in denial that she has a problem with drugs... I mean I was talking with my little sister last night and she told me she doesnt give my girl to much longer to live, because she is 5'3 and down to about 89lbs.... said she is just shy of having kidney failure due to loss of weight.

I think if there was something I could do or someway I know she would be okay it would make leaving her a whole lot easier.
Then again she always says we spent a large part of our live together, its worth working at. And I just found out this morning, that she cheated on me this weekend, and she says its because we were fighting.

Can a person like this ever change?

kaosfeer

Can she change? Short answer, yes. Long answer, yes, but it it going to take a lot of work on your part, and an extreme willingness to change on her part. Rehab would probably be a good start. This may sound insensitive, but would it be worth it? I mean, you love her, but are you in love with her? Are you sure that she is the woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with? If you feel that she is the one, then do whatever you possibly can to help her out.

OrdinaryGirl

I'm really sorry, but the chances of her changing are really slim. But even knowing that, you are in control of what you choose. You can choose to stay and put up with it, if you want. But you have to be willing to accept that this is the way it will be.

Okay, a little story to illustrate my point.

When I was 18, I was in your shoes. Very similar story. Except add some slapping around, suicide threats when I tried to leave, and some trips to the hospital followed by his best behaviour for a month.

Every time we broke up, he would cry and tell me that no one else cared enough to stick it out, that he needed me to love him to help him get better, that it was his childhood and if I just stood by him, he could change. He would go to counselling, go to anger management classes, go to this, go to that. I really felt for him because of his shitty past. I really tried and felt if I was just smarter, prettier, more understanding, a better lover, a better this or that....if I could just anticipate his moods and keep it all on an even keel, that I could save him, make him all better. I was wrong. I almost died learning that lesson.

I left with huge huge reservations. I worried he would die, either by his selfdestructiveness or by his own hand. It's been 11 years. He is still alive. He is still fucking up his life. I know if I stayed, I would not have been able to change him. He has to do that for himself.

Stick with her if you like. But just be able to accept that this may never ever change.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It sucks to love someone so much that you are willing to overlook everything to try to help them.

Roxii007

yes I know I am torn in two directions right now, I mean I love her with every ounce of my being. But in the same token, with everything we have done to one another from hurting one another I feel sometimes dead inside to feeling because of everything. I know a relationship is based on trust and I dont have that with her, and I dont know if it will ever come back.

My big thing is I left my previous fiancee of 3 years because I thought the grass was greener on the other side, because I had this same stuff happen with her, and now I am just wondering if this is just the way life and females are?

I want to just leave her because I know that if I do I will be a lot better off without her, and I will easily be able to lavish myself with whatever I like because of my business.

I feel as though sometimes that if she just gets taken out of that environment she will change, but I dont know more and more now-a-days I dont feel as though she loves me, I feel more like a sugardaddy than anything. And thats not where I want to be.

Yes Original, sounds exactly like my relationship here, but how long did it take for you to get over him?

Jimi

I agree with OG on this. Some people can change through themselves, but rarely. Most people carry the same baggage all through life. She CAN change. But, at this point, she probably doesn't want to. Best thing to do is move on. There are more monkeys in the tree, and maybe one of them doesn't depend on drugs, and won't want to break up at all times. I was almost married, and the girl kept ripping my heart out. She came back, and as much as I wanted to give her another chance, I knew I couldn't. When I look back on it now, I'm so greatful to myself for not giving in.

OrdinaryGirl

Well....first of all, you are attracting needy women because of who you are and what you are used to. The term is codependent and that is what I used to be. It means that you are most comfortable rescuing people, it makes you feel worthy and useful and gives you meaning in your life, like you are really making a difference. The only problem is that the people you attract, you are not really helping, you are enabling. The two of you fit like a two piece puzzle and feed off of each other's dysfunctions. She needs you, you need to be needed. I am not calling you down by saying this, please don't think that, and once you are out, you will see what I am saying. Get some counselling. Pick up some books on codependency. It's a real eye-opener.

Secondly, I was in that relationship for a year. I left and went back too many times to count. In order to stay gone, I had to not have anything to do with him for six months. It was agony. There were times I wanted to just pick up the damn phone and just make one little call to see if he was okay. But I knew from all my past experiences, that as soon as I heard his voice, heard him cry and beg, I'd go back. I spent many a sleepless night, pacing, worrying, sick over the fact that maybe I was responsible for another human that I loved dying. I got through it. I had a very good friend who helped keep me strong.

I came to the realization that I can love someone and not want to live with them. That is okay. I forgave myself for all the things I did wrong in the relationship, because put in a situation where your back is against the wall, it can bring out the worst in a person. I was no angel. I had my ways of trying to preserve a little selfesteem and dignity.

I saw him eight months later. He stood in my house and cried. I was okay with it. I did not go back. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much happier now. Absolutely no comparison.

But you can't do this alone. And leaving her doesn't mean you don't love her.

Jimi

I'd add something, but OG has it pretty well covered.

Roxii007

Yeah thats the only thing when her and I were together we gave up all of our friends, and everyone I knew moved away for college, right now I am burying myself in my business because I know this will make me happy.

The codependancy thing sounds about right, but the only thing is there was a point in the last year of my life with her where I was dependant on her, she worked while I stayed at home and did nothing, she paid all the bills, bought me my new cadillac escalade ext truck, and I still have it she didnt take it away when we broke up. So that is the only thing that urks me, I mean its like we change rolls constantly. I just dont know I love her.

its the old saying cant live with her cant live without her

OrdinaryGirl

Get a counsellor. I mean it. Trust me when I say you can't do this on your own. I am an extremely strongwilled, ambitious, independent person, and as much as I could accomplish amazing things in other areas (people say everything I touch turns to gold), I couldn't do this on my own. If you have no friends to turn to, you will have to have someone to use as a sounding board, because it's not just as simple as walking away. It is not a road you are looking at, but rather, you will be swimming against the current. Some days it will be easy but some days it will seem like everything is sweeping you back to her. You will doubt yourself, if you've made the right choice, if you are a bad person for leaving her.

And this will sound harsh, but you don't owe her anything. A relationship is not a book where everything is tallied up and has to balance. At the time, that is what was called for and if the situation had been reversed, you would have supported her. Give her financial compensation if that makes it easier for you. But you are not obligated to stay and be treated poorly because she supported you financially in the past. That was then and really....her paying the bills does not give her a free pass to cheat and treat you unworthily. Reverse the situation....if you had been the one to support her, would you expect her to stick around while you left her and came back, cheated on her and broke the one thing that good relationships are based on: trust?? I think not. The two things are totally unrelated.

I am not pressuring you to leave. I know from experience that you can know something with your head, but until your heart agrees, you will not go. Something will have to click and it will. There will come a point where something happens and you finally get it, and that will be the final straw. And even if you stay, counselling to help you deal with it is a good idea. It will be a rough ride.

kb8bawla

thier ideas are as good as mine

Roxii007

no I need to hear the bold and honest truth in the matter, its good to know the opposite end and know that someone else has been through exactly what I have and come through it. The thing is right about now thats all I feel like is a sugardaddy, at times I think thats the only reason she is keeping me around, my business is starting to flourish and she sees that and wants a part of it.

She says the only reason she breaks up with me is because she wants me to be this person that I am when I am not with her, when her and I split up I go out have a good time, but when we get back together I dont, because everytime we go out anywhere I have to worry about her flirting with other people right in front of me. Am I insane for thinking and being this way, I know I am a very insecure person when it comes to relationships, but I think it is because of my past every girlfriend I have had has cheated on me at one point in time, or chosen drugs... its just always something it seems

akydakyx

people don't change...except for the worse