cm8

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I just wanted to know what you all think about married people who call single's chat lines and hides the cell phone bills from their spouses because they are calling and chatting with other people and their spouses does not know. I ask because, I'm thinking about calling one and finding someone to talk to. Before anyone ask, yes I have talked to my husband and he doesn't seem to have an interest in anything I have to say, but if it is one of his female friends, he listens to them all the time. I'm tired of not getting any attention and when I demand just a little, then I'm smothering him. When we first got married he cheated on me and I haven't really gotten past that. I'm trying but I'm not sure I can ever forget. The pain I live with every day, I just want to try to find something/someone to get into to make it all go away. I know, I seem to be confused, I am, I just don't know what to do, he won't go to see a counselor, but he has no problem chatting it up with other women. We've been married 3 years and been together 6, I don't want a divorce, but I think that maybe the way to go. I need some advice. I'm still young and I need some guidance. I saw the counselor my self, but it takes two to get to the bottom of the story and he won't go. I'm tired or living like this.

Juan.©amaney

Try and remind yourself why you are still with him. He doesn't listen to you, he doesn't tell you the truth, he cheats on you, hides stuff from you, and even if it wasn't physical (yes, I read your journal) he doesn't seem to mind that its bugging you.

Is it the money? Is he rich? Your meal ticket?

So now, your best solution is to do the same to him and see how he likes it? Yeah, give him reason to divorce you and not have to give you half his shit.

You are in a failing marriage. At this point, you just want revenge. A pretty big percentage of the women I have slept with were in the same situation you are...you'll cheat eventually.

You need a divorce before you are too fat to get someone else.

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fmb

cm8, I say think things through before you do anything. If you're not satisfied with your marriage and you're very sure there will be no improvement in your relationship, consider ending this relationship before hunting another. Cheating does alot of damage, no matter which party is caught or was doing the cheating.

If you end things through divorce versus cheating and getting caught, the court process will be much better for you. Plus, you'll be out of this painful relationship without sinking to one of the levels the other partner has.

I went through hell in my last marriage, but I have the piece of mind knowing a kept a straight path and have no regrets about my feelings or any actions I took while in the relationship. Think long and hard before you pick up that phone or place an on-line ad.

cm8

Thanks fmb, I can really relate.
Jaun: I'm not still here for the money, he has none, I'm with him because I truly love him. I'm not fat, lol so getting fatter is not the issue, he's not my meal ticket, I'm the one with the money, and no, I'm not un attractive either. I fell head over heals in love with him and it hurts me that he did me that way, yes I want to get even, but at the same time, I don't want to degrade myself. I do appreciate your response, Thanks for listening

ryster

I respect what Juan has to say, but I totally disagree.

I suppose it might seem idealist and naive to base your actions on morality, so what I'm saying is based solely on legal principle. fmb is completely right, if you cheat on your spouse, or are accused of such, divorce is going to be a lot harder for you. As long as you don't cheat on him, you have one major chip at the bargaining table. When that goes away so can your home/car/retirement or even children (if you have them).

Now, back to morality. I think you need to think about how much you want to be with this guy. If you just want to find someone new, then I suggest you divorce him and stay unmarried for a while. If you know deep down in your heart that you will never forgive him, then for everyone's sake, divorce him. Now if you still want to be with him, or I should stay, you still want to fix your relationship, then you need to try...harder.

Firstly, I think you need to tell him that you are still bothered by his disloyalty. Believe me, I know first hand that bottling emotions will do nothing more than make for a very, very nasty divorce somewhere down the line (I'm not saying you need to point out his every fault, just that if it is serious enough to bother you every day of your life, it's serious enough to ruin your marriage). And consider that down that line you might have kids. And consider that down that line you will feel like you have wasted your entire youth on some scumbag. You need to tell him that you remember that he cheated on you and you are pissed. Tell him it bothers you every day and that you want to forgive him and move on but you cannot until something changes.

If you can convey how serious it is, and convey that while you still do love him you will force a change if he is not willing to work towards one, then he will be a lot more attentive. If he works with you, then you guys will move on from there, and hopefully resolve things.

If he doesn't, try taking a bit of control. Push counseling but don't fool yourself into believing that your marriage's fate, in every way, depends on counseling (Don't put to much faith in counseling. It doesn't always help and sometimes it makes things worse. Most importantly, and I say this from experience, don't go in there with a list of problems expecting him to apologize for every one of them. All your going to do is distance yourself from him, piss him off, and turn it into a mud-throwing contest).

If he refuses counseling and he won't work with you at all, it's time to show him your serious. Move out. Get a place somewhere else, make sure you can support yourself (as in, don't depend on him for money when your threatening him with divorce), and tell him you don't want to talk to him unless he's ready to work with you. Show him that you are in control of your life, not him, and if he doesn't get things together you will be gone forever.

Give things some time (there is no definite amount, it's as long as you are willing), and if he still hasn't tried to sort things out, then, and this is very important, he isn't worth the effort. Divorce him and move on, you gave him every opportunity to fix things.

I assume you have the purest, most honest intentions, so I offer you my best advice. I have seen some sick shit done in marriage and divorce, and I have no sympathy for people who do it. I know men can be the most abusive, controlling monsters in the world, and when you have to deal with that you are the one who determines how serious it is. But I also know that women can be manipulative back-stabbers (bringing ones husband into counseling under the impression that he is working for the marriage when all the woman wants is the upper hand in divorce proceedings). I've seen both ends of the spectrum, and I don't think either one is right, regardless of what came before it. But I suppose ultimately it is up to you, how hard you are willing to try, or what you want from your spouse, whatever.

Marriages don't work because the people are "perfect" for each other, they work because the people are willing to make sacrifices, because the people are willing to try day in and day out to make them work.

I hope at least some of this is helpful to you. I am a bit wrapped up in other stuff right now so if you find any random detached ideas I might've screwed up my editing so let me know and I will amend them.

Good luck, and remember to go slow, remember what matters and what doesn't, and most importantly, remember why you are doing what you are doing.

CD

Where in SC do you live? (don't worry, I'm too lazy to stalk you)

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kulotsalot

If you don't need him for his money, for his looks, for the great sex, for the steady companionship/friendship, for the kids, etc. then I think that pretty much says that you don't need him at all, and furthermore, no one needs the drama that things like these bring to your life. Is there anything good or attractive about this guy? Cos if there isn't, then what's the point?

What was it like for you growing up and how did you relate to your mom and dad and siblings?

fmb

cm8: I'm glad to see you're looking for some thoughts, tips, and suggestions before making your decision. I'm unsure if you've considered marriage counseling, even if he doesn't go. The counselor can help you with some troubles, issues, and advice; better yet, this info will come from a person without a dog in the hunt! No bias! What a thought!

When you first starting posting, I thought you were one of those "left coast" people. You are surrounded by some members here on WR. CD was asking where you're located; you don't have to give the name of the town. Are you located on the coast, midlands, or upstate?

CD

basically. I have some ideas but I need to know if a small town place, decent sized city, close to NC or GA or TN, etc...

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Jimi

I'll be blunt...

If he cared for you, you would be the gasp on his attention. If he has an easier time talking to co-ed friends and collegues, then he is more interested in them. I am by no means trying to be mean, I'm just saying that someone who was in love with you would spend the time giving you the attention you need, be it physical or mental. If you have the money, if you're the meal ticket, he's only with you because of those reasons, it seems.

Drop the loser.

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"I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green. Awww hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people. Unless they're suffocating. Then help them."


January 2009, the end of an error.

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powder19

I dunno if you've done this yet, but a key to making a relationship work is to talk about your problems and see how you can fix them. I lost a relationship because the girl I was with had some issues with the relationship that I didn't know about, I care about her so so much and if she would have just brought it up I would have done anything to fix it. He may not even know the situation that you're in, tell him whats up, we men are pretty oblivious to things

Juan.©amaney

Hehehe aaah one of those. You're in love with an asshole and you will stay there and take it until you realize he isn't worth it....this assuming you have self respect. Nothing anyone says here will really make you do anything. You went from describing an asshole, to saying you are head over heels in love with him.

I'll tell you this much, those dating services are a joke. The guys on there are too stupid to get laid in person, have no social skills, or have serious problems (legal or other). You are better off just hitting up something free like myspace, hi5 or one of the other social networking (read: meat market) sites that are out there.

My advice to you is, stop and think what you want in life, what you have, and realize that what you have now won't change unless you want it to.

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Juan.©amaney

Oh, and for everyone else simply saying "drop the loser", she can't....she's "In Love"

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@man2girlz

you sound like a nice person (op) and i think you should find someone who appreciates you for that, as well as what you give of yourself to them..do that before you're stuck with him because of habit imo.