Cinnamon

My question is if you truly do love him, why are you seeking companionship elsewhere? I understand that he's not providing the attention you need, so why stay? What is it about him that you love? I had to face that decision when I got divorced. I never wanted to have my marriage fail, but it was for the best. I took some time, let loose, got myself together. I figured out who I was and what I wanted. Now I am remarried to facepeeler and very happy about that. But I can't say that it was all a piece of cake - it was rough. I had a breakdown and lots of counseling (thanks to the military for thinking I was mentally unstable). But I got out of a terrible one sided relationship. you find the strength to do what you need to do, shake the fog from you head and move on. Don't cheat, keep your slate clean. Lawyers will dig up all kinds of dirt and it will hurt you if things ever go to court. There's lots advice already - the question you need to ask yourself is are you ready to face the cold hard facts on what is best for you? Emotions aside - is this relationship worth the mental toll it's already taking on you?

canu

Sounds to me she got married to early and she's trying to find a way out of the marriage and needs some peeps like us to help


Think it over before you make another"big" decision on you life

cm8

LOL, thanks, I guess that maybe true, as far as what some of you said, in particular Kut, my parents divorced when I was young. I can still remember my father promising to come visit with me and he never showed. Still breaks my heart that I know he'll never be dependable for anything. CD, I live in "charleston" area, that includes, summerville, mt pleasant, ladson and the surronding areas of goose creek and moncks corner, stalking me? LOL, that never crossed my mind. I have been to see 2 therapist, they gave me medication to deal with stress, never offered a cure, just the band aid to cover up what I was dealing with.
I've been depressed, I been sad, I know I deserve a lot better and I am talented beyond means and through God, I have been giving many talents that are being wasted. I know you are probably thinking is she is so "christian" then what the heck is she doing here? LOL, I ask myself the same thing. I don't think I am a bad person for being here on this site, it's not like I came her looking for porn ( no offense to anyone that did), hell, I watch it myself sometimes, but that has no bearing on my relationship with my God. My husband is the Second guy that I have ever been in love with. The first time I was in love was 10 years ago and it was wrong. I got my heart broken, different man, same drama. Before I go on, I must tell you that I am in my last year of residency. For all of you who don't know what that means, It means that I am a Doctor and when I finish this year and take the boards, I will be officially able to practice on my own. I've known all my life I wanted to be a Doctor and this is a dream come true.
I can't remember who said that "If he cared for you, you would be the gasp on his attention. If he has an easier time talking to co-ed friends and colleagues, then he is more interested in them. I am by no means trying to be mean, I'm just saying that someone who was in love with you would spend the time giving you the attention you need, be it physical or mental" I couldn't agree more but I have a hard time letting go. I've always wanted to get married once and stay married. Divorce for me was never an option. I always thought that if two people really loved each other, than there was nothing of this world that could separate them from each other.
My husband is not what some would consider good looking, sex was mind blowing when we were first dating and now it's just "sex" he gets his and I gets nothing, lol, Looks for me never were an issue, I always looked beyond that into the soul. I would post a picture of us, but since he also comes here ( even though he's told me he has never heard of it) I would probably come up missing. LOL. I do have a myspace page and I'm only using it to network.
I guess I should have left when I noticed that he stopped wearing his ring, and sometimes would come home from work with it in his pocket. His "friend" used to call our home and hang up on me when she wanted to speak to him. She called him on his cell and told him that I answered, he then blew up at me for calling her back. Guess that was a major red flag. Text messages to other ladies, closing his emails whenever I come in the room, chatting with other women, I know all about it. I'm smart, I just save all the evidence for when I need it. I know that I deserve better than this. In my heart of heart I know that I am worth more than what I am being giving. I just love him and I guess that is why I'm still here. I guess that I am hoping that he changes like he promises that one day he will see that we made a commitment to God and each other and it won't be too late.
Funny thing is that I used to think that older guys were better for me. They seemed to have it all together, now I see that I was wrong, all the older guys I've been involved with have been the most immature and self serving B'S I've ever know. I think that If this doesn't work out I'm going to find someone my own age. Thanks for all of your input, it really means a lot.

CD

You cannot change what other people do. Only how you will respond. Your Dad not being there for you is something I'm sorry about. But it doesn't mean that you can't move on and not use that as a crutch.
No, I don't stalk anyone. I was hoping you'd say the upstate though since I know the area very well. I'm just glad you didn't say a backwater place. Since you live in the "Charleston" area which I'm unfamiliar with, I'm going to assume that it's close enough to offer you a variety of things similar to where I live. As far as the cure goes, you need to make peace with yourself. No drug or therapist can help you on this. You need to find what makes you happy, and this husband of yours is not it.


I didn't judge you. I know a lot of the OGs didn't come here for the porn. What I do wonder about is the God part. You say that you are very religious and yet you are blind to your own feelings. You know the truth yet refuse to accept it.


"What you want is not always what you need, and what you need isn't always what you want." - CD
I read that as what you want is:
1) for him to change
2) to never get a divorce
3) for God to make things work
I read that what you need is:
1) to grow yourself as a person
2) to accept that it takes 2 to make a marriage work
3) to accept that he doesn't really love you


Well it looks to me as though his soul changed... and not for the better. It's time for you to do what you can to improve yourself. Work out to get in good shape... pamper yourself with a spa trip to release the tension in your life... pick up some hobby of sorts that doesn't involve your husband. Once your self worth has improved, I'll bet that he starts getting jealous. He doesn't want you to think well about yourself. He wants to keep you on his leash of sorts. You are his gravy train, and once you start to realize you don't need him, he's gonna freak. Oh... and no, you don't need him.


How about this... does God want you to be happy? Do you think this is God testing you or do you think this is Satan seeing how long he can keep you next to his new friend (aka your husband)?
The way I look at it, you have 2 options here and I hope you take the 2nd one.

1 - You stay with your husband and die miserable. You try to change him, but have no way of actually making him want to change. Therefor, you go through life unhappy until you snap or become too depressed to function normally. Or he leaves you for whoever he's fucking now, and the marriage dies anyway, but on his terms, not yours.

2- You work out or take up yoga or something in your spare time. I assume you have some spare time, and better yet, do that during his time with his guy friends. You question your beliefs about you both pledging your lives together and look and see if one of you has not done a good job with that (him). Accept that most people do not change unless the rug is pulled out from under them and by staying with him, he will never change. Believe that God wants you happy, and even though divorce isn't something you want, there are a lot of grey areas in the Bible and this is one of them.

Case in point: Honor thy father... should you honor a father if he raped and beat his 6 month old daughter? What if he kept the rape going till she was 13 years old? Should you honor him? Because if the Bible has no grey areas, then you should. I don't want this to turn into a religious argument, but since you brought up your reservations according to your religious beliefs, I felt compelled to give you a counter example.

How about this point... I think you are with him still for the wrong reasons. You are scared that you won't find someone else. And a bad husband is still a husband, so this way you aren't alone and you can pray that you can change him to be the man you see in your dreams. Leave him... find out who you are... then find someone once you realize who you are and who can offer you the happiness you deserve.

___________________________________________

fmb

cm8: I'd try to offer some additional comments to what CD has already spoken, but I don't think I could remotely offer anything as well spoken as CD did. Take some time and think about those things!

Glad to hear you are in the lowcountry area; your part of the state has so much to offer. Possibly, you have more options in your area than in the others (midlands and upstate) combined. Enjoy what is around you!

maggiesdragons

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You are gonna have a new career soon. The way I see it is a new chance at life. New career, new money, new love, and no baggage.

I would end the relationship now, give your self some breathing room and time to regroup. Enter the world as Dr. cm8... single, sexy, and smart. You will have no problem finding a guy that is worthy of you, you just have to take the first step. Small steps are okay as long as they are in the right direction.

I also back CD, he is wise beyond his years. Read some old threads here and see how they turned out, Everyone always says that they should have listened to the advise they were given here. I think you will too in time.

gen. cutter

hmmmmm. tough spot. i am married but dont get everything i need from the relationship either. i can't imagine *actually* cheating but i fantasize about it all the time.

not just for the carnal sex with a stranger, like when i was single. but because at that moment the two of you are seriously interested in mutual attraction & mutual pleasure. the pleasure and urges seem to be one-sided since the birth of our child.

i wish i had some advice. but everything that is 'right' to say, has already been said by others. oh...it's soooooo easy to give good advice to other people isn't it? but when it is your life, somehow the rules should be allowed to bend, right?

no one wants to be a cheater. we wish we had everything we wanted at home, right. i am beginning to think the majority of humans should NOT get married- we just aren't wired for long-term, monogamous relationships. some people get lazy when they get comfortable. some of us get antsy. why does pleasure and excitement have to end? in the words of Chris Rock: "If it's not new, it's thru." you got to keep it new.

then my boss, married over 10 years and who had proclaimed to me just a few years earlier that his wife was his soul mate, shocked me the other day confiding that he believes his wife and he will probably part ways once the kids graduate high-school. shocking because i've been having the same thoughts myself but haven't verbalized them. i have no intention of fucking up my daughter's life because we made a bad decision. but i dream about being alone and free to pursue my own joy after she is grown. i am a sex addict, but i think i'd just assume be alone then live with someone who doesn't understand me, and then accept me with that understanding.

i think most humans feel alone most of the time. like no one completely understands them. it would be nice to find someone who at least accepts and enjoys you, even if they cannot understand you. too much to ask?

i don't think i'll ever marry again. and i dont think i'll ever advise anyone else to either.

this is not advice. but rest assured you are not alone.

UrbanHustle

You can't be happy with someone else, unless you're happy with yourself. Therapy will only help you, not solve anything. It's upto you to solve your own problem.

On a side note, quit bringing up God. God said once you're married, you're married for life. You're apparently looking elsewhere.

kulotsalot

Here's my official diagnosis. Hopefully you're not doing you residency in Psychiatry. I haven't memorized my DSM codes yet...

OK so based on your brief description of your childhood, it seems like you learned early on that "men will disappoint you" and "they cannot be dependable" and you are continuing this pattern with your husband. You subconsciously (?) chose to marry a guy who has the same traits, hoping that this one (unlike your father) will actually pull through for you. Unfortunately, that isn't happening, and this is eroding your relationship with him. So point # 1 is that you probably should not have married someone like your dad, and # 1.5 is that now that you are married to him, you probably shouldn't try to expect him to behave any differently than your dad did (i.e. not coming through for you).

The second issue is the whole Christianity/divorce thing. I know that divorce is frowned upon and I understand that most people (Christians or not) do go into their marriage hoping that it lasts. However, if you are "married and looking" then I don't see how that is any more (or less) Christian than being "divorced and looking" so that is one thing to think about. You say that "I always thought that if two people really loved each other, than there was nothing of this world that could separate them from each other," but the problem is that it doesn't seem as though your husband really loves you. At least he doesn't act in a loving way towards you. So I know it hurts but that statement doesn't really apply to your situation anymore.

The last thing (and probably most important) is that yes, you love him, clearly you love your religious path, but you must also love yourself, so you'll need to balance those three things in order to live a happy, healthy life.

(CD - that book deal? Should I contact our publisher?)

cm8

Thanks to all for all of your comments. I decided to take the higher road and just do me. I will not cheat, I owe it to myself and God to do better and if that means that I must leave then I will. I am getting my things in order and I just wanted to stop back by and say thanks, I truly mean and appreciate the perspectives that were given to me, by the way, my field of study is with children.....not adults, those people are crazy! LOL, J/K

Have a great day, ps, I just had to pray and pray and ask God for peace and to know that what ever decision I make it will be the best one for me....... Thanks again....

slick962002

you could do worser things... I don't think there is much harm in just talking