Mule_Hammer

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I'll try to make this simple, 'but it really isn't:
I dated a girl for 3-1/2 years, I loved her, she loved me, we moved to another state together. Things turned very bad and fell apart. I left her. She was hurt badly by my leaving. Every day I regret leaving because I still love her and because I feel so guilty for hurting her. Unfortunately, I can't go back. Our relationship was very unhealthy and frankly, neither one of us wants to try again, at least not for a few years. I mostly blame myself for the relationship failing, because of my selfishness and aversion to the responsibilities of marriage.

Here's my problem:
I still love her dearly, but I've tried to move on and get laid. I've gotten laid, but it's been horrible. I've literally been sick to my stomach every time I've tried to have sex with someone else. I'm all for it right up until clothes start coming off, then I get this sickening feeling in my gut like I'm going to throw up. I try to just get the sex over with, but it takes forever because I have this godawful feeling inside. I only got off the last time because I was imagining that I was sleeping with my ex.

I have absolutely no desire to approach any attractive girls, so I settle for un-attractive sluts instead. I know all of this is because I feel tremendous guilt, but I can't figure out why I feel guilty. I don't know if it's because I still love her, and I feel like I'm cheating or because I feel so shitty about leaving, the way I left, and for failing as a boyfriend (i.e.- I don't deserve anyone who's worthwhile).

I'm frustrated, depressed and I can't afford the time to see a therapist, so I thought maybe a bunch of complete strangers on a web-board might be able to offer some insight.




edit: I don't mind any smartass replies, I could use the humor.

tsmo

hmm. sounds like the early version of my relationship. My wife, years ago when we were younger, well, she was um. nuts. and I knew this. so I tried to leave. I wanted to leave. and I did leave.. on a few occasions. The grass just HAS to be greener.. at least this grass isnt nuts.. right? well, I found myself sorta lost without her. Sex with others was great. but it wasnt the same. it wasnt with her. so.. I had to figure out how to deal, how to make it work, if she was indeed meant to be for me. and I did.
we met in 88, married in 93, shes still nuts, and I love her with all my heart..

sooooo.. make that choice. if you want her back, go get her. cave man style doesnt work much any more. but if you show up, and explain that shes whats needed in your life to make you complete.. that.. it took you doing something as shameful as walking out of her life to fully understand what you'd be missing.. lay it out on the table..
I wouldnt suggest you let her know how awful the sex has been.. but more of a, not one person that Ive met as come anywhere near making me feel as you did. Its not too hard. but. again, thats your decision. To me. it sounds as if you really want her back, and so thats the road Im takin on this. There are those people who come into your life that you have a hard time walking away from.. there has to be reason for that no?

I dated a girl for a year, ( inbetween a breakup with the wife, yeah before we were married, stfu ) and when I found out she had kissed another guy. I was out. I walked away. It hurt. but only for a sec. I guess I knew she wasnt the one for me anyway. and I was right.

anyhow, I hope my ramblins help, and give you insight that. even though ya'll may have had a harsh breakup, that not all is lost. if she feels even slightly the way you do, you can work it out.

and yeah. with a relationship comes some responsibilities.. so if you want to succeed. youll need to grow the fuck up. ( this coming from a guy who has $100 lightsabers laying around the house )

good luck. keep us updated.

___________________________________________
I'm a terminal non-achiever

Suciniac

You forgot to mention for how long you have been apart from your ex.If it hasn't been long since you broke up, maybe it's just a timing thing.Everybody needs time to get over a breakup no matter however short the relationship was.In your case you were, by my standards, very long into the relationship.So, you either need a long vacation or if you allready did that, have a talk with your ex.
Say how you feel and if there was anyway she would consider giving it one more try.If she agrees good for you otherwise if she says noway, then you can finally move on without thinking what could have been.I mean it's better to know straight up that she doesn't want you back rather than not talking and loosing sleep over it.

Mule_Hammer

tsmo- Thanks, that's pretty much what I'm thinking too.

I left 6 months ago. We still talk regularly. She said she'd be willing to give it another shot if I got my life together and in a position I wanted. I'm working on it by going back to school. We've been through so much together, my life is completely different without her in it. I feel like a brick wall about to crumble because I'm missing all of her bricks. She is definitely a little crazy, but I wouldn't have her any other way.

tsmo

heh. funny how good pussy will do that to us huh?

Kudos on getting your life straight. I hope everything works out for you.

___________________________________________
I'm a terminal non-achiever

Mule_Hammer

You guys asked for updates, so here:
Okay, wow, she's been sleeping around... a lot. Her count has almost doubled. Granted mine has too, but I'm still in single digits. Normally this wouldn't bother me, as I want someone who knows what she's doing in bed, but she's been having affairs with married men, some of them coworkers. She's consulted me as a friend and I've told her to gtfo and stop before it all comes back on her. She's decided to stop seeing married men (or so she says), but jesus, what an eye-opener. Just when you think you know someone...

This is just fucked up. I definitely don't want to try to restart a relationship with her after knowing all this. Considering she's cheated on me before, I can't ever trust that she'll respect our marriage if she's not willing to respect others'.

On the plus side, she's coming for a visit in a few weeks and wants to hook up. I've already decided that this is only going to be about sex for me. I'd pass for the sake of saving drama, but she's wayyy too good.

OrdinaryGirl

Yikes. Be sure to use protection.

I guess you are seeing her true colours. I don't know if I'd recommend hooking back up with someone you had strong feelings for, even if you feel you are looking at her differently. There are so many old feelings involved that you could end up feeling very confused over it.

fullobull

well, just because she,s beating you in the numbers, shouldn't change your love for her. maybe you took alot of bricks outta her wall too. stop being selfish. if you loved her as much as you said you did, you might want to see if you can't find out her true feeling and just what it is that's going on in her head. try treating her like a person with feelings. we don't all deal with things as good as others and if your leaving messed her up as much as it did you, she might have been having a tough go of it. remember, women are a bit more emotional. so take how you felt and multiply by 10, this might even up the numbers game.

Mule_Hammer

It's not the number that bothers me, because I'm not trying to play the numbers game. I'm sure many of us would like to sleep with a lot more people, but my count really doesn't concern me. I'm worried that she's going to dig herself into such a deep emotional hole she won't be able to get out. If she keeps forcing herself to seperate sex and emotional attachment after such a painful breakup, I wonder how easily she'll be able to build a relationship with anybody.

Like OG said, I'm starting to see a different side of her and it's not pretty.

OrdinaryGirl

And from personal experience, I'll just say that no matter how much you think you "are over" someone or see them in a new light or "will be able to stay detached" during sex, if you once loved them, it's easy to let those old feelings come back during intimacy. I wouldn't sleep with her if I were you.

And if this is how she really is, then it's for the better that you aren't with her.

fullobull

when you read my post, you weren't to be focused on the part about the numbers. my advice to you would be to focus on how much you loved each other, her feelings, your feelings and how the break up affected you both.
bottom line...... if you still have feelings for her, go straighten things out and don't focus on sex.
if you don't have feelings for her, move on. travel, get a hobby, focus on work, friends, etc.... self improvement. figure out who you are. it'll make future relationships all that much better. women want men with a backbone, confidence, security. they want men to be their rock........ good luck

inimyaudi

MH- maybe next time, before you just go hopping into the sack with a total stranger, you should try getting to know him a little better first...

...hope you were serious about being able to take a joke. best of luck to you in moving on.

Mule_Hammer

Good call, maybe that's the problem...

slip

dont do do it could those old feelings to come back