Dealing with the past
 

I searched all the past forum talk, and I'm sure my search skills are lacking, but I thought I'd post this anyway. This is about dealing with your girlfriends past.

I won't go into the details unless someone asks, because I'm sure we can all trump each other with what our current girlfriends have done in the past. I will say this: We're about equal in terms of what we've done in our past. We've both done some different things, but some of her different things really bother me.
I had trouble with my last girlfriends past too (she dated my best friend before me) and I got over that after.. oh... 4 years and cheating on her (a lot). Not the road I want to take again.

Here's the kicker: I was fine with her past until I realized that I really love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She's bothered by some of the things I've done, but it's not bothering her as bad as I'm being bothered.

So my feelings could be because:

I'm immature.

Control issues.

I'm scared.

I'm insecure.

I'm a dumbass.

All are very possible options. Especially that last one. I'd like to hear some constructive advice for what to do. I just know that I'm fucking this relationship up with this problem. It drives me nuts. Keeps me up at night. I can't sleep. I lost some weight. I even went to the ex girlfriend to find advice, but... you'd be surprised how little an ex girlfriend wants to help with your new relationship (well, maybe you wouldn't). i even think about it sometimes when I'm in bed with her and I can't continue, etc. Sometimes I take it out on her, and that sure as shit is wrong. By taking it out on her I mean that I cause fights.

So, all the boys (and girls) that have had trouble with this, ring in. Did any of you break up with someone over their past? Do you regret it?

Thanks for any advice, and sorry if this is totally a dead issue here.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

watch Chasing Amy. really listen to what Alyssa says when she's screaming at Holden in the parking lot and what Silent Bob says in the diner. realize that what she did in the past has nothing to do with your current situation.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

ughword Clerks would provide a good example to...








"37!!!" :happycow:

Re: Dealing with the past
 

Yeah yeah, have those movies downloaded. Funny, that was the first thing I did. So we're on the same page. Doesn't work. Thanks though.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

what are these things that she has done that has got you off kilter. Maybe its just me....but what happened in the past happened in the past. I can't change what happened in the past so why should i dwell on it. If you truely love this girl and want to spend your life with her, then what should it matter what she did before she either knew you, or before she was your g'f.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

Someone wanted to know the past thing that's bugging me:
One, she's had a lot of sexual partners. i'm kinda OK with that cause... well... so have i.
Two, she used to be a stripper. For many years.

No guy likes imagining her girl with another guy, but not only do I have to do that, i have to imagine her dancing naked in front of strangers for money. She worked a lot of different clubs, some I drive past all the damn time. She wasn't one of "those" strippers, she just did her job, got her money, and went home.

You'd think that'd be cool, but it's the damdest thing, it drives me fucking nuts.

I don't know why. So I'd like some advice from people, preferably folks that have been in a situation like this. If you haven't been in this place, then I really don't think you understand where I'm coming from. But I'd like to hear your thoughts anyway.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

Well if you really do love her as you said then you will get over this shit and forget it, however if that is not possible save yourself and her alot of fighting, and misery and move on. Its your call dude and only you know what you are capable of doing, I mean the past is the past so it would suck to ruin a good relationship from shit that dont matter!

Re: Dealing with the past
 

Well, did you know she was a stripper when you started going out? Did you meet her at the club? If you really want to spend the rest of your life with her, come to grips with her past. You cannot change it. Chances are, no one is going to say, Aren't you Trixie from the Hustler? Yes there will be some people who have paid for the tits you will get to see every night. If you can learn to go with it. You will be ok.

But be very sure. If she is 15 minutes late and the first thing out of your mouth, (or into your head) is she was at the club like the old days, then you will need to move on. And if you are using phrases like rest of your life, move on now.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

Well, it's funny. She just told me the people she slept with, and I told her to leave. I don't think we're going to recover. It's just too much for me. She was a stripper. She slept with a lot of men. I don't know why it bothers me so, but it does. So I told her to leave. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I'm an idiot. I don't care. I can't deal with it, inadequacies and all. Fuck it. I'm single again.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

Past is past. Don't dwell on things you can't change.
Wait stripper huh? Thats a tough situation all together.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

Don't feel so bad. Sometimes it's a clear cut case of 'gotta do' vs. 'gotta do'.

If you're happier now, not worrrying about it, then you're doing pretty good.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

Whatever didn't happen in your lifetime is of no concern to you. Your life with her started when you met her. You fell in love with her knowing about her past, or some knowledge anyway. Why worry about it now? She's with you and those past people are just history.

I used to be the type of guy who would only date a girl if she was virtually a virgin...then I got over it. Just more work anyway, having to train them and all. Compatability is more to my liking now. Being as though I've been around the block more times than the local bus, it takes a pretty wicked girl to keep up.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

You know, I would normally agree with you. I've always preferred a girl with some miles. But it turns out she told me slept with forty guys. Then I told her to leave. Then she told me she actually only slept with 27, and she just said the forty to hurt me because she was mad about some of my past I told her. We're either perfect for each other or we should have never met. Regardless, I made the decision. I can't date her anymore. I know I'm wrong, I get to spend a long time kicking myself for not doing the right thing. But I don't feel like I can ever reconcile these feelings. So she deserves better.

Yeah, she was a stripper too. For like, five years. She dated some guys she picked up from doing bachelor parties and stuff. She says she never let them touch her, and she kept a solid "three foot" rule, but I don't believe it anymore.

You can sit on your high horse and say "let the past be the past" but those of you that have actually dealt with this know where I am. And you understand. The worst part is that I know it isn't because of her, it's because of me.

If you'll excuse me, it's 8 in the morning here, and I need to get really drunk.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

I'd say your dilemma isn't so much about who she is and what her past is all about; but about who you are and what you want out of a relationship and life. It might be a double standard to want a more "chaste" partner when you have the kind of past you have, but, hey, you are who you are, and you want what you want. You can rationalize all you want about the fact that your own past won't affect how you'll behave in the future within a serious relationship; but who knows whether you'll ever be able to trust someone with an equally "active" past. Only you know that. I'd guess that if you ever meet someone that really matters to you, you'll probably find it doesn't matter all that much. You'll find that you'll be able to look past it.

Re: Dealing with the past
 

That's a little too many miles, even for me. And, no, you aren't wrong. They are your feelings. You are smart enough to know its going to be a problem and cut your losses now. It might hurt, but if she told you 40 to hurt you on purpose...yeah, no need to comment, methinks.

Good job, and chin up!