michaeljohn

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Some of these are pricelss, particularly the first two...

"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'"
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)



"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt



"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain



"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol



"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan



"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman



"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge



"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
- Bob Hope



"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers



"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill



"Maybe it's true that life begins at 50... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller



"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Unknown



"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal



"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain



"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
-Herbert Henry Asquith

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