Juana!

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here 3 quick ones...


1.what kind of bees produces milk? bobees !!

2. My husband came home and found a man under the bed, he said Juana! what does this man does under the bed? I said, under the bed I do not know, but over the bed...mhmhmhm he does marvelous things !!

3. Juana opens the fridge, and is ready to take the mayo, when suddenly the mayo says: "close it, I'm dressing!!"

jajajajaja
Juana!

brunette5

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Bipolar

here are some jokes, do not feel like seperating them. came from a long email.

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A.) Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego... A.) "Is it in?" Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A.) One of his fingers is clean. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. Litte Boy: Daddy, where did I come from? Daddy: You came from the stork Little Boy: Ewww, you fuc ked a stork? • A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was. Recruiter: Gay, huh? Do you think you could kill a man? "My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days & days" • What do you do if you come across a girl in your bed? Apologise and wipe it off! • Baniya gave matrimonial ad for his daughter, working at a call centre: Wanted a suitable match for Chandigarh's highest paid call girl • Did you hear that Elton John is getting a divorce.......Found out his husband was having sex behind his back • As Mike walked into the office on Monday morning, a co-worker asked, "How was your weekend?" "I played a round of golf... I hit two of my best balls," he replied. "Tell me about it," asked his co-worker. "Well, er, I stepped on a rake" • A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths." The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen." • What did the Hen say when Rooster tried to rape her? Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuckaaak • Sant,a unable to satisfy his wife, took Banta’s advice. While having sex, he asked her: Do u feel any change? Jeeto: Yes, today u r doing it like Banta • Q: Why are babies so fragile? A: They are put together with one screw. Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. One day we should get her for this, said the first boy. I agree. We'll grab her... said the second. The third guy: And then we'll kick her in the nuts! • Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things? Johnnie: Sure, back of the church yard. • Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex? Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does. Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it? Man: She does it for free. • What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock. • Two prostitutes were talking: We're in the best business in the world Why's that then? Well, we've got it, we sell it, and we've STILL got it! • One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman? The second guy says: No, but I've woken up with plenty • A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession. Prostitute: I'm a social engineer. Policeman: What do u do? Prostitute: I build & destroy erections • Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman? A: A computer doesn't laugh at a 3½ inch floppy. • A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheeps: "205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210...." • When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it's like buying a book for someone else to read The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love. • A French n a Brit gynecologists were chatting. French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon. Brit: That's a lie, she wouldn't be able to walk if it was. French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste. • Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week. Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months. • A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she slapped u? Santa: On her T-shirt was written 'Press', so I just pressed… • Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy... • A professor was asked to give a talk on Sex When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..." And he sat back down. • Did you hear about the blind man who was walking down the street and as he passed the fish market he tipped his hat and said, "Good evening ladies. • Q: What does PMS stand for? A: Penis Must Suffer • Dentist didnt get erection on wedding night so he used finger. Wife: What's this? Nothing honey, just a temporary filling. • I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time. If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get? Tit-Bits. And if it bursts in a man's underwear? Banana split. • Old chinese proverb says: Man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok. • Doctor: Ur knees all blistered? Lady: Coz of doggy style! Doctor: Cant u do it any other style? Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't! • Wife, stark naked, stands on her head in bed. Husband: What the hell are you doing? Wife: I figured if you can't get it up, you could surely drop it in. • What's the diff between a bomb n a condom? In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases. • Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend. Her friend asked: Why's that? Is he some kinda superguy like that man on Star Trek? No, he's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin' down. • Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman: I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job. The second woman: Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached! To which the first replies: Wow! I just can't picture your husband as a blonde! • A woman with 14 children, ranging in age from 1-14, went to court to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion. "When did he leave you?" the judge asked. "Thirteen years ago," the tired mother replied. The judge was confused. "Well, if he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?" "Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry." • Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? A: Because she threw out all the bent ones. • The Five Sizes of Penises: 1. Small, 2. Medium, 3. Large, 4. Oh My God!, and 5. Is that available in white? • Man gives blood to save his girlfriends life. Later on they split up and man wants blood back. She throws a used tampon at him and says: Pay you monthly, you bastard! • Ladies Hostel Caught Fire... It took 1 hour to bring the fire under control...and 3 hours to bring the firemen under control. • One car salesmen complained to the other, "Business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car." • Q: Which boy has the permission to get into a girls' bathroom and touch her anywhere he likes? A: Lifebuoy. • Q: How do we know men invented maps? A: Who else would turn an inch into a mile! • 3 men sitting in a cafe, all wanking. Waitress: What the fuck are you all doing? One points to a sign that reads: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED! • Husband: I fancy kinky sex, how about I cum in your ear? Wife: No, I might go deaf! Husband: I have been cumin in ur mouth for 15 years & ur still fuckin talking. • Little gypsy girl: Which way do my knickers go? Her Mom: How many fucking more times do I have to tell you yellow to the front & brown to the back! • Tarzan and Jane came to New York and were being interviewed. A reporter said: Tarzan, what is your wife's name? Tarzan replied: Jane. The reporter then said: No, what is her whole name? Tarzan answered: Pussy. • Name the 5 great kings that have brought happiness in peoples lives? DrinKING, LicKING, SucKING, F*cKING, W*nKING ! • Women are like a pair of rubber boots. When they are dry, you cannot enter them, when they are wet, they smell and when you walk on the street with them, people laugh at you. • A man meets a lady at a bar and says: Hi, what' ur name? She replies: Carman, coz I like cars & I like men, what's urs? Man replies: Beer cunt! • Banana and a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana turns 2 vibrator I don't know why you are fuckin shaking, she's goin 2 eat me! •

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Bipolar

Customer: Excuse me, but how can this tiny little hand bag cost so much? Cashier: It`s made of foreskin madam, when u lick it, it becomes a suit case! • After great sex, she lies there stroking his penis. He asks: Do you want more sex? She says: No. Just admiring your penis. I used to have one just like it. • A gal tells her Doctor: I've got a bad discharge. He fingers her & says how’s it feel? Gal: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear. • The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10% enters the female, and you wondered why the sea tasted so Fu*kin salty! • A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out." • These two fags were doing what comes unnaturally when they were disturbed by a policeman. They ran and hid in an alley. The policeman searched and eventually found one of them. He told him, "when I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass." Just then a voice from a nearby dustbin called, "I'm over here officer!" • A man walked briskly into the drug store, went over to the pharmacist and said: I would like a box of Sex-Lax. The pharmacist smiled and replied: You must mean Ex-Lax. "No," the man responded: I don't have any trouble going. • A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework." • What's the diff between hook in cricket and hook of bra. One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary. • "It was just a simple misunderstanding, your honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her." • The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!" • An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch." • Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get? A: Tunnel vision. • Sex is good, sex is fine. Doggy style or 69. Just 4 fun or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid. So if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n text me back. • One day the PENIS tells the balls: Tonight v r goin for a party! The balls reply: U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left outside! • 'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. 'One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.' • Q: If a married woman is called Polo... The mint with a hole, then what's an unmarried woman called? A: Center Fresh. To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in between them if outer breaks she will know and if inner one breaks you will know! • Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra? Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra. • A Survey Report: 65% of all women carry condoms. The other 35% carry babies. • Q: What is the difference between a woman and a fridge? A: A fridge does not moan when there is meat inside. • Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips? A: One is for fighting and one is to make up. • Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom? A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet. • Q: Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly? A: When she feels something wet she turn on her back. • When I was born I got the choice: a major dick or a fine memory. I am not able to remember what I did choose. • Are mice giving you trouble? No? Than you must have a good pussy! • I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you; you do not have to say yes, just smile to me! • Q: What's the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field. • Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in my opinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds ! • A kiss is called humanity if its on cheek, love if on lips, passion if on breast, humor if on navel, sex if on vagina and called bravery if its on ass hole. • A Guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are u wearing ur belt around ur knee.? Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt. • Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road and a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never ends! • A teacher: What part of the body goes to heaven first? A child replies: Feet- coz every nite I see my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN! • A blonde has a car crash & an ambulance arrives. The paramedic asks, "How many fingers have I got up?" Blonde replies, "Oh no, I think I'm paralyzed too. • Q: What do you call Afghan virgin? A: Never Bin LaDen. • Woman has man in it; Mrs. has Mir in it; Female has male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women! • A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior. Greek: We gave sex to the world. Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women! • A mother taught to her son to go to bathroom by the numbers. 1 open ur fly, 2 take out ur equipment, 3 pull back the skin, 4 do ur business, 5 let the skin forward, 6 stow ur equipment, 7 close ur fly. She used to check him often n she was pleased to listen 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 until one day when she heard, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5,3-5. • At a Gynecologist convention in two gynecologists were talking. One from France says, "There was a woman in my office yesterday with a clitoris like a watermelon." One from England says, "That's impossible, if she had a clitoris the size of a watermelon she couldn't walk. The first one responded, "You English, always thinking about size. I was talking about taste." • Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, "You're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?" "Because," explained Marsha, "he is the first man that ever said to me 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'." • And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. • What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one. Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess. • The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?" The nurse replied, "I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs."

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Bipolar

• A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection. The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way???" • "In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part of the way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing." "Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction," said the researcher. "It may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis. If you don't mind, young man, I'd like to have a look at it." So, the student shrugged and stuck out his tongue. • When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy." • As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have anal sex?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'Your turn'" • In interview, Santa was asked: Who's Monica Seles? A tennis player. Ok, who's Monica Lewinski? Penis player. • Q: Why does a blond need a triangle coffin? A: Because everytime their head hits a pillow, their legs spread. • Banta: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet? Santa: What are you saying. I would never even think about such things. Banta: Well. You might want to. She is much better, then yours. • A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is. He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me. Boy cries out: Don’t eat it. It's a fucking asshole. • Doctor: Do you watch your husband's face during sex? Preeto: I did once & saw anger. Doctor: Why Preeto: Because he was watching from the window. • A doctor saw a nurse with one of her boobs hanging out of dress. He questioned her, Nurse said, "Oh these medical students never keep things in place after use!" • Santa: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to cross your mind? Wife: That you are a homosexual. • Q: What do you call it when a person with multiple personality disorder masturbates? A: An orgy. • Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right? A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed. • Unborn twins in the mother’s stomach saw a penis. 1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai. 2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante. • Remeber: If u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz FUCK stands for FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever & promise me that we FUCK till eternity! • A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that Penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted! • Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for successful penetration. Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches? Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury. • The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp. "When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?" "To see if it's true," she answered shyly. • Q: What is the definition of "burning love"? A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vaporub by mistake. • Q: What is the height of shock? A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside! • A gal with his boyfriend opened her legs inviting him 2 fuck n asked: Hamare baby ka naam kya hoga? He wears a condom n says: Iske baad bhi hogaya to ‘Jadugar’. • Q: Why women wear bra & panty with flowers printed on them? A: To pay tribute to men who got burrid at these two places. • Santa standing in balcony without shirt. Banta, "Wah Santa ji kya chest hai. Santa, "Eh tan kuch nahi andar ja ke apni bharjai di dekh. • I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover. Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts! • One woman stops a taxi- To the airport, please. After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says: You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today. Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant. Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither. • A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home. • Jim says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason." Steve says, "Why's that?" Jim says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit." • Judge: You want to divorce your husband for threatening you with a deadly weapon? Wife: You got me wrong your honor. I'm divorcing him for threatening me with every night with a dead weapon. • If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get? Tit-Bits. And if it bursts in a man's underwear? Banana split. • Q: What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? A: Magnets have a positive side! • Man: How Much? Prostitute: 25 dollars Man: American Express? Prostitute: For 25 Dollars you can go as fast as you want! • Q: What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A: A man’s undivided attention! • Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? A: So they can run their fingers through their hair. • Q: Why do girls talk so much and guys think so much? A: Girls have two pairs of lips and guys have two heads! • Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs. • Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they can't make a fist!!! • Q: What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual? A: The way they say ahhhh-men. • One of my friend has named his 3 kids NC, MC and ABC! I asked why, he said: 1st Natural Curiosity, 2nd Mutual Consent & 3rd Absolute Bloody Carelessness. • Man pays Rs 1000 to a prostitute, but she runs away. He chases but fails. He puts a notice: If anyone finds sexy gal in white top and red skirt fuck her. Its PRE-PAID • Banta and his shapely date were parked under a romantic moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you." With a deep sigh, the girl replied, "A little higher." "I love you," came the higher-pitched reply. • A naked woman gets into a taxi. A cab driver looks at her stupefied. What's up. Havn't you ever seen a naked woman? No. I'm just wondering where you suppose to take the money from. • Q: What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster? A: My zipper! • Latest porn releases: Shaving Private Ryan, Position Impossible, As Big As It Gets, Forest Hump, Riding Miss Daisy, Starwhores and Pornocchio. Santa's son: Papa tusi papa kis tarah baney? Santa: Puttar pa pa ke. • A blonde, suffering from sore throat, goes to see the doctor. He asks her to sit down. He gets out his torch and says, "Open wide." "I can't, the chair's fitted with arms." • If you feel stressed out, try to have SEX. It helps you to relax. Do you know how to have SEX? Let me teach you S = Sleep E = Eat X = Exercise! Dont think dirty • Director commands during shooting a porn film: LIGHTS CAMERA MUSIC ERECTION (ACTION) • An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he showed five fingers to his young wife. Young girl: " 5 times!?!" Old man: "No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?" • Mother was scolding the daughter, "I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb." "No, mamma," she said, "He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month."

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Bipolar

• Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology? A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology. • What's common between the Sun & women's underwear? 1) Both are hot 2) Both look better while going down 3) Both disappear by night • Q: What's the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum? A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later. • A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote, "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex." And Bob wrote, "I love sex." • Q: Why did the blond have lipstick on her steering wheel? A: She tried to blow the horn. • Q: Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? A: To keep here legs closed. • "It was just a simple misunderstanding," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her." • Your Name? Abu Dalah Sarafi. Sex? Four times a week. No, no, no male or female? Male, female... sometimes camel. • Santa was in his apartment wearing only the slips. Jeeto said, "Dress up, guests must be coming every moment." "Let them see me this way, so they know how you feed me." "Then take off also the slips, so they may tell me what for should I feed you." • A pussy-cat says to a tom-cat: Let's play hide'n'seek. If you find me, you may screw me, if not, I'm in the wardrobe! • BEEP... You have reached the Breast Self-Examination Hotline. Press one to continue. (pause) Now, press the other one. BEEP... • Q: What does a hen think when a cock runs after her? A: She thinks, "I hope I'm running not too fast." • Two flowers: I love you, darling!!! I love you, too!!! I want you so much!!! Where the fuck are those darned bees? • "WOW!" - said gynaecologist. "WOW!!!" - answered him the echo. • Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh? • A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?" "No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?" • A lady goes to a dentist,she sits on the chair & starts taking off her clothes. Dentist: Err..mam I'am not a gynaecologist. Lady, I know, I just want you to remove my husband's denture. • A SSC class is told to draw a woman's reproductive system. One girl is so shy she's facing down. A boy YELLS: Sir, she's copying from the originals. • Little Johnny is playing in the street one day when this stranger pulls up in his car. The stranger, "Psssssst! Hey kid!" "Yeah?" Stranger, "I'll give a piece of candy to come in my car." Little Johnny, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your mouth!" • Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to cross your mind? Husband: That you are a lesbian. • A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?" "Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids. • The prayer of a Catholic girl, "Oh Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving." • The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?" "I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs." • Son: What's the difference between Love, relief and belief ? Father: Your mom is love, your maid is my relief and I'm your Dad- well that's my belief. • A man calls in sick, telling his boss, "I have rectal glaucoma." "What's that?" asks the boss. The man says, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today." • The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!" • Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic. "Gee, honey, don't you think you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother. "Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing." • The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come from?" Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!" The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?" • A judge charged 10,800 fine to a man, when asked why 10,800 judge replied 10,000 for rape and 8% entertainment tax. • I hate it when people point to their wrists to ask for the time !! I mean, seriously, do I point to my crotch when I need a bathtroom?!?! • Q: Do you know who is the best goalkeeper in this world ? A: Women, no matter how much and which way you fuck her, your balls will never go in. • Breaking news: The latest gizmo to hit the market is a wallet made of Penis skin. When one rubs it, it expands to become a suitcase. • Two women were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" • Pappu did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull." "How disgusting! I am sure your father could have done that." "No ma'm, he couldn't have. It has to be the Bull." • Banta was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Banta jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! I'd recognize her anywhere!" • Rich women are getting nose jobs, boob jobs, eye jobs -- everything but actual jobs. • Q: What do u get when you have sex with a judge, a banker & an architect? A: Judge- Honorable discharge. Banker - premature withdrawal. Architect- illegal erection. • Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? A: You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is. • Ever wondered why A, B, C, D, E & F are used for bra sizes? A for Almost boobs B for Barely there C for Can do D for Damn good E for Enormous and F for Fake • Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies? He had to.... his wife kept getting pregnant. • An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around. "I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check." • Height of irritation: Hanging from a cliff with an ant on your balls. • The difference between your girlfriend & your wife: Your girlfriend touches your hair, your cock stands! Your wife touches your cock, your hair stands! • Three men were discussing wives. First says my wife is very cold. Second says mine is very hot. Santa says I am confused I think she is cold but people say she is hot. Husband was in pain as a honeybee bite at his penis, wife pray o god please take the pain away but leave the swelling. • A priest saw a girl removin her blouse. He prayed. "God please close my eyes." When he opened his eyes the girl was naked. This time he prayed, "God please close your eyes." • A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asked the wife about the problem. "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation," she said. "Is this true?" the counselor asked, turning to the husband. "Well, not exactly," he replied. "She's the one who suffers, not me." • A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?" • Any relatively reasonable and good thinking man would wonder every evening: Should I go and look at what I cannot fuck or stay home and fuck what I cannot look at? • In a train, Santa's son's, Pappu's top berth is taken by someone. His wife, Jeeto is on the middle berth. Santa complains to the TT, " A man sleeping over my wife is not giving berth to my son." • One blonde tells another blonde: "I've done a pregnancy test." Asks the other blonde: "And, were the questions difficult?" • Q: What does PMS stand for? A: Penis Must Suffer • Banta was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Banta jumped forward, and screamed, "That's her! That's her! I'd recognize her anywhere!" • "Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds." •

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We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes - then they kicked us out of the showroom. • I hate it when people point to their wrist to ask for the time! I mean. seriously, do I point to my 'Dick" when I need a rest room! • It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs...And the wife rolls over and plays dead. • A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it's not to bright and it spreads easily. • Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50? A: Nudity. • Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs. • Q: What's the difference between a bar and a G spot? A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar. • A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... how do you like using second hand stuff?" To which the new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new." • A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." • My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!......... So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat. • Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." • There's a fire at the whorehouse... ...some come out running and others run out coming! • The Englishman says, "I've got ten children, one more and I'll have a football team." The American says, "I've got fourteen children, one more and I'll have a rugby team." The Arabian says, "I've got seventeen wives, one more and I'll have a golf course." • A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored. "Hey, let's play a game" she said. "What game?" was his bored reply. "Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me." "What if I can't find you?" "I'll be behind the piano." • Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! • A man and his wife are f**king. 15 minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, darling, can't you think of anyone else, either?" • Boy: Dad, what did you wear for safe sex? Father: A wedding ring. • A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity. Teacher, "Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?" Little Johnnie, "In the Garden of Eden?" • As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked. "Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door." • "I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot." - J. Hutter • Q: Do you love me ? A: What do you think ? That I'm doing pushups?" • In the clubhouse one-woman golfer said to another, "I got injured between the first and second hole." "That’s a bitch," said the other woman, "You will never get a band aid to stick there!" • Have you heard the one about the gay who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends? • Smoking reduces ur life by 5 mins. Sex increases ur life by 10 min. So the conclusion is that a f**king smoker never dies. • Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony? A: He kept sticking his nose in everyone else's business! • Q: What is the similarity between a dick and a matchstick? A: Both have head without brains and they both flare up at slightest friction. • A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole." • Q: What is the definition of old age? A: When it takes the whole night to do what you used to do the whole night! • Santa, "I am suffering with loose motions. Doctor, "Have you tried lemon Santa, "Yes I have but when I remove it, they continue. • Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast? A: Because,...99% of the guys are right handed! David, "So, Mike, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects," said Mike. David asked, "Really?" "Yep," said Mike, "whenever I mention sex, they object." • A man approaches a woman and says, "I'd really like to get into your pants." The woman replies, "No thanks, there's an ass in there already." • Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job. A: After 5 years, the job still sucks. • Q: What is the height of shock? A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman and suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside! • "Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?" He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women." • Q: Why was the gay sergeant fired? A: For the way he drilled his troops. • A man got on an elevator and there was a lady on it already, so he asks her, "Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your pussy?" She replies, "Hell no!" "Well then," he says, "It must be your feet!" • Ever wonder why your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed? • Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before her date. A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. • I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. • Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year. • One evening, a female police officer pulled a man over for drunken driving, and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you. Do you want to say anything?" The drunk replied, "Nice boobs." • Q: What's the difference between dark and hard? A: It stays dark all night. • Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. • Doctor's Note: There is no sign of a fever, but her husband has stated she was very hot in bed last night. • Q: "Where is an elephants sex organ? A: In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked." • I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. • A blonde finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art." "You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!" • Q: Why do woman get their belly buttons pierced? A: So they have a place to hang a air freshener! • A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does? • It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff sentencing. • Good girl: It's hard to be good. Bad girl: Yes. If it's not hard, it isn't any good. • It has been determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position: The husband sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead! • Q: What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me I'm going in! • Q: What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? A: A guy who can't even get his hopes up. • Q: What's the height of Frustration: A: A boxer trying to scratch his balls. •

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Bipolar

Q: Why did Jeeto keep the door open while taking a bath? A: Because she was afraid that someone might see through the key hole. • Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast? A: Because 99% of the guys are right handed. • Q: Why are egyptian children are always confused about their parents? A: Because their daddies become mummuies after death. • The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and say, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of That!" He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through." • A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically. "What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!" The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?" • Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children? Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen. Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden? Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband. Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. • Q: What do you call an adolescent rabbit? A: A pubic hair. • Q: What is the lightest thing in the world? A: A penis...even a thought can raise it. • There's a scream from the bedroom. Santa runs in and there's a guy leaping out of the window. His wife, Jeeto, says, "Whaa! That guy just fucked me twice!" Santa says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?" Jeeto says, "Because I thought it was you...until he started for the second one." • A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?" • Banta and Preeto had got married, and she was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don't know what type he uses." The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?" "No," says Preeto, it's for his underarms." • Q: What did the stockbroker’s wife tell her husband when she cheated on him? A: “Honey, I’ve gone public.” • A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. • Q: Did you hear about the gay bank robber? A: He tied up the safe and blew the guard. • Q: A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex? A: He replied, "Depends, if I can find a phone." • Q: What's the best thing about a blowjob? A: Ten minutes of peace and quiet. • If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart. • For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used. • Q: What's the definition of a real loser? A: A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV. • One day a wife of a hunter found him with his lover. She took a gun and aimed it at her husband's testicles. The hunter, "Stop! Don't do that! It's unfair! You don't give me a chance to save!" The wife, "Ok, sway them to and fro." • Q: Why did God give women boobs and nipples? A: To make suckers out of men! • My husband is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's such a shame. He was the best veterinarian in town. • Man to his ex-wife's husband: So how was the 2nd hand stuff? Ex-wife's husband: Not bad. After first 3 inches, it's brand new. • Vagina to penis: Surrender! I have you surrounded! • Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. • Q: Why do men become smarter during sex? A: Because they are plugged into a genius. • Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he is coming or going. • Q: How is college like a woman ? A: You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. • Q: Why do we have orgasms? A: How else would we know when to stop? • A Dentist was removing a tooth of a lady, he said, "Mam you are holding my balls". She said," I know, its just to remind you that we are not going to hurt each other". • A businessman comes home from work, and before he can even say anything to his wife, she greets him with a deep, passionate kiss. Then she pulls him into the bedroom, pushes him down on the bed, unzips his fly and shows him a great time. Afterward, he stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, what did you do to the car this time?" • "Hello, baby," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you some." "Listen," said the woman, nonplussed, "If you can hold it in one hand, I'm not interested." • Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's often difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. • Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life? A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." • Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus! • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?" • A man is doing push up's on the beach, Santa sees him and starts laughing loudly and says, "Sorry to tell u this but the woman below has left!" • Q: Is it wrong to have sex before you're married? A: Only if you're late for the ceremony. • A husband and a wife were fighting about their sex life. The hubby complains, "You never tell me when you are having an orgasm?" The wife replies, "How can I? You are never here." • Q: What is the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum? A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later. • A little girl is talking to her mother and says, "Mommy, I just found out our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!" The mother is in shock, but tries to keep her cool. The mother says, "You mean it's small?" The little girl replies, "No, it's salty." • Human tastes change as people mature. Little girls like dolls and little boys like balls. However, when they grow up, girls like balls and boys like dolls. • Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" • Santa gives 12 roses to his wife, Jeeto. Jeeto is thrilled. She undresses, lies down on the bed and spreads her legs and says, "This is for the roses". Santa exclaims, "why can't you find a vase?" • Q: What's the definition of a healthy virgin? A: One who has never been bed-ridden • A girl got a bird tattooed below her navel. After sex, she asks her boyfriend, "Did you notice my birdy?" The guy says, " Not exactly. I was concentrating on the nest" • Santa's keep dies. Her husband is calm but Santa furiously moans her death. Her husband finally consoles Santa. "Don't worry, I'll marry again" • Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman? A: She's the one putting a condom on her vibrator • An older couple is ready to go to sleep, so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change" • Q: What does Viagra have in common with Disneyland? A: One-hour wait, two-minute ride • Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get frisky?" The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." "What do you do about it?" "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" • Q: What's the ultimate embarrassment for a guy? A: Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose • A man escaped from an asylum for the insane and raped a woman. The next day the headlines read: "Nut Bolts and Screws" • What did one ovary say to the other one? "Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ"

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