maalox

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I was told to post this here, its also i the BOTH. sorry for both

So here is the deal. I need some advice about my relationship. Here is the story, i have been dating my girlfriend for almost three years, she was the first girl i meet in college and we are in "love." recently she is just starting to annoy me. any who this is where the problem comes in. my high school girlfriend and i have been hanging out alot lately and my girlfriend now doesnt know about. we dated for about a year and i broke it off because i was immature and i would get jealous about her hanging out with other guys. well i still have feelings for her. like i love hanging out with her and on all of my days off i am usually hanging out with her and just having fun. so i dont know what to do.

Any one been in the same situation? Anything would help feel free to say anything

Anibal

in both you can risk people making fun of you, i dont think they will cause its a serious matter but this is the best place for it, this will prolly be merged or somethitng with the one you made in both.

maalox

yeah i guess if people make fun of me oh well. im just trying to get alot of people to see it so i can get lots of advice. i guess i should place this in the girls pic section

randomglitter

If you still have feelings for your high school gf, I don't think that qualifies you as being in love with your current girl. I haven't been in the same situation, but I know if my boyfriend were hanging out with another girl (let alone his ex!!) alone that much, I'd most likely want to break it off. I'd say you have a lot of thinking to do - it's either one girl or the other.

popopopo

Some relationships just get tiring after a while. I can speak for being in your teen years, there is so much draw from so many girls, it is hard to choose just one. I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and still I wonder, "what would it be like to be with someone else?" I look back on past relationships and even have ventured to ask old girlfriend, "what if we had stayed together?"

As far as your high school ex, do you sense some sort of connection there that could be a relationship. If not, leave it alone and be friends. But if you do, you need to make a decision. But consider this: are you simply interested in her because you just have been hanging out with her recently and haven't been close I assume since high school? It could be that those old memories have just been brought back from seeing her. Did you have a right to be jealous about her hanging out with other guys? That all has to do with trust and I can assume that if you look deeper, you can find you had little trust leading to the end of the relationship.

Think about what would happen if you went back with your high school girlfriend and five years down the road you meet your current girlfriend again. Would you be drawn to her simply because she is rather new and fresh and you are hit with all the memories of the good times.

Nobody on this forum can tell you what to do. Take the advice as you will but you can only decide what is best for you. Good luck and keep us posted!

-popopopo

maalox

I mean i have always felt a connection with her. Even more now that we are hanging out. Even at the begining of my current relationship i would hang out with my ex, we would talk on the phone and stuff like that. but then i went to college three hours away and we stopped talking. but recently before i got out of college for the summer we started talking again.

I was very close to her in high school we would hang out all the time, we would pretty much do everything together. I had the right to be jealous but i was still immature about the whole thing. it was just something small and i brought it to be like the end of the world. i mean i still trust her with all my heart i just dont know what to say to my current gf.

im pretty sure that i am going to be honest with her but i am also sure that it is going to break her heart.

kulotsalot

popopopo has a good point:



You know what's funny is that your CURRENT GF should be breaking up with you for the very same reason you broke up with your EX. You are hanging out with not just any girl but your ex! (I think most of the time it's "god I hate that bitch" or "hmm... I admit I was a bit stupid, wonder what could've happened if I hadn't broken up with her?" and in your case it's the latter, which makes it doubly dangerous for your current GF)

I think people generally have two "decision trees" that they use when they are faced with having to make a difficult decision. If someone has a very strong feeling about things, the actions are based on that feeling. If someone doesn't really have a very strong feeling about things (or feels an equal "tug" from both sides of the matter), they take away the emotional side of the equation, think about what is "right" or necessary, and then act based on that.

In your situation, you can either decide that your feelings for the ex are too strong and leave your current gf because of that, OR you can decide that you are "cheating" your current relationship of the time and effort it might benefit from if you stopped hanging out with your ex (if you are spending all your free time with her, then you and your gf probably only have a few hours to spend with each other, if that!), and that may or may not improve your current situation with your gf.

I have always been a firm believer in not giving up on a relationship until you've exhausted all options in order to try to save it. This probably stems from growing up in a culture where divorce isn't allowed. It showed me that people CAN deal with things, when they (think they) have to. So, really, it's just a matter of asking yourself "How much am I willing to put up with?" I believe your ex is making your already negative situation with your gf a lot worse. So you're "bored" with her. You've fallen into a routine, you already know each other inside out, you know each other's annoying habits etc and she's not exciting anymore. After three years, that's pretty normal. Now you're back in contact with your ex, which makes the boring factor seem a lot more pronounced. After all, you're always with the "best girl ever" until a better girl comes along Also, after 3+ years, you tend to gloss over the bad parts of the relationship with the ex (I guess she wasn't that flirty when she hung out with the guys...) and think the good times are 10x better than they actually were (but we had SOOOOOOO much fun together!!) Question is, what are you doing to try and change that situation? It sounds like you're doing nothing about it. maalox, you can't expect a relationship to fix itself. Maybe your girlfriend is becoming annoying (perhaps clingy and needy?) because she can tell that you're not focusing your attention on her anymore. I mean, if the guy I was dating was suddenly unavailable to me on his days off, I'd be worried, too!

I could go on and on (this is getting too long!) but my point is, if your relationship with your current gf is past its "best before date," it will end, regardless of whether there is a "backup plan" (i.e. your ex) on the horizon or not. That doesn't mean you should neglect it. My suggestion is to voice your concern(s) regarding you current relationship, try to work on the boredom part WITHOUT your ex's intervention (doesn't she have a stoner bf to spend time with??) and if your relationship with your gf doesn't improve, then leave. So, yeah, I guess try to fix the ole clunker before you trade it in for a newer, snazzier model. You might find that you really like your ole clunker and will want to maintain it like those old car enthusiasts do with their 1950s era cars. If that doesn't work out... then enjoy your new ride!

Anibal

i told him the same thing on the thread he made in both, but then he added some more info, and it turns out that IMO the best option for him is to let his relationship with his ex have another try.

kulotsalot

From what i gathered from the BOTH thread, he basically said that his ex has a stoner bf who treats her like shit (it is not his job to save her from the stoner bf, right now his job is to be a good bf to his current girl!). Furthermore, how, umm, noble its for these two individuals to be going around their respective SO's backs to "hang out" aka rekindle their relationship.

What else did he say that I missed? I mean, I get the "let's give this another chance" line of thought, all I'm saying is, do that AFTER you know that the current relationship is a lost cause.

(Then again, if you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, then it probably IS a lost cause. Hmmm....)

Anibal

that last line was my point, it seemed like he was tired of her current relationship and i said that his ex couldnt have appeared at a worst time cause she is a part of the problem... the facts are that he cant tell her gf that he is hanging out with his ex cause that would end the relationship, so there is no chance of being honest here in order to save the relationship, is it fair to save a relationship based on a lie? i dont think so hence i told him to end it up and give his ex and him another chance, if he still has feelings and she still has feelings or even more powerful they still love each other i dont think its fair for their current gf/bf to be in a relationship which isnt based on true feelings.

btw: nice to c ya around kulots havent seen ya in some time, or have i just missed the times when you where here?

kulotsalot

Thank you, I have been in avoidance mode for a little while, and lately I've just been busy with work and life in general. I also spend less time on the computer now (off work, I mean) so that minimizes the chance of getting on WR. I do pop in for a few minutes every now and again.

Anyhoo, my idea of "being honest" is saying "I think we need to work on our relationship because I feel like it's getting boring" etc, not "oh hey I'm hanging out with my ex and I realized you bore me to tears".

One other thing to think about is that it's easy to think that you are "in love" when really it's just the "grass is greener" syndrome. There must be a reason why he's stayed with the current gf for 3 years... unless that reason is "because my ex was unavailable, and now she's back in the game so HAH!"

maalox

thanks for all the advice kulotsalot and anibal, so what i have gathered is i should just stick it out with my current gf and not hang out with my ex all the time. see if you my current relationship gets better and if it doesnt then i should end it.

when i say i am hanging out with her on my days off, that isnt alot, yesterday and today are the first days off i have had in two weeks, and it would be very hard for me to go see my current gf because she lives three hours away. im not saying it would be a waste of time to go see her, but to go drive three hours to spend the night with her for a night then drive back another three hours is kind of a waste you know?

maalox

thats not the reason i have stayed with her for three years, its because i really do feel like i love her, but i have those same feelings with my ex. like i love when we are hanging out and spending time together. thats why im so confused, i feel the same way with both of them but i can only have one

Anibal

that was the first thing i told ya, try to make thing work with the current gf but then when i got to read more it seemed like you really didnt want that, you should wait and see how things go when she comes back (i think you guys go to the same college and she is away cause of vacation... right?) i really dont want to advice you to stop spending time with your ex but in this case its the right thing to do, its no fair for you current relationship for you to be hanging with your ex when she awakes such feelings in you, its a sad thing to do but if yout gf doesnt like your ex at all and hates the fact of you spending time with her they you will have to end it, lies never lead to good resulsts.

a lot of regulars are gone, boston, vivix, bp, og, well slawz, but some new guys have appeard so its kinda balances itself.