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Reload this Page Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
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Old 07-19-2005, 08:47 AM   #1
adrenaline
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Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
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By: Andy Borowitz
Published: Jul 8, 2005 at 07:41
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A rabid Harry Potter fan took his life yesterday after inadvertently learning a plot spoiler from the soon-to-be-released J.K. Rowling opus, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince."

Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, "I no longer have a reason to live."

Family and friends who gathered for a candlelight memorial outside Mr. Ralston's house remembered a man who seemed to live only for Harry Potter – and wondered if they could have done anything to prevent his tragic fate.

"When Jude got that vanity license plate that said ‘Hogwarts,' that seemed harmless enough," said Polly Clovis, who attended Model U.N. with Mr. Ralston while the two were in high school. "But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town, we really should have seen that as a cry for help."

According to friends of Mr. Ralston, the Potter fanatic had done everything in his power to protect himself from stumbling across Potter plot spoilers, even disconnecting his computer from the Internet and avoiding his favorite vintage comic book store.

Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston's death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place.

"In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude's life, even if he didn't have one," she said.

Elsewhere, President Bush called the jailing of a New York Times reporter "a positive step," but warned that many other reporters were still at large.
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Old 07-19-2005, 09:24 AM   #2
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler



'Nuff Said!
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Old 07-19-2005, 10:24 AM   #3
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
Oh lord. WTF? Harry Potter was his only reason to live? What happens to him after Book 7, then, if he didn't commit suicide? It's a goddamned children's book!!!!

I enjoy the books and am in the middle of Book 6 right now, but c'mon... that's just dumb. Some people take it way too far.
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Old 07-19-2005, 10:25 AM   #4
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
The world is a better place without a loser like him. I'm just upset he didn't shoot a few niggers before he ended himself.
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Old 07-19-2005, 10:55 AM   #5
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juan.©amaney
The world is a better place without a loser like him. I'm just upset he didn't shoot a few niggers before he ended himself.


At least help everyone else out before offing yourself.
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Old 07-19-2005, 11:13 AM   #6
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
Quote:
Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston's death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place.


Wow... yes, it's all their fault.
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Old 07-19-2005, 11:42 AM   #7
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
HAHAHAHAHAHA... you guys actually think this is a true story???


HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
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Old 07-19-2005, 11:45 AM   #8
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juan.©amaney
The world is a better place without a loser like him. I'm just upset he didn't shoot a few niggers before he ended himself.

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Old 07-19-2005, 11:50 AM   #9
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
[QUOTE=ClemsonDevil]HAHAHAHAHAHA... you guys actually think this is a true story???QUOTE]

lol, I looked into the website and it seemed legit... but I didn't bother to check up on the author. Yeah, it's fake.
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Old 07-19-2005, 08:09 PM   #10
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patito
lol, I looked into the website and it seemed legit... but I didn't bother to check up on the author. Yeah, it's fake.


Duh.
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Old 07-19-2005, 08:17 PM   #11
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
Wow, that must be one helluva book!!
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Old 07-19-2005, 08:33 PM   #12
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Re: Man Commits Suicide after Learning Harry Potter Spoiler
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It's a simple question -- if the moon were made of ribs ... would ya eat it? ...I know I would.
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