robul

>> An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After
>> laying there a few minutes the old man farts
>> and says, "Seven Points."
>>
>> His wife rolls over and says,"What in the world
>> was that?"
>>
>> The old man replied, "It's fart football."
>>
>> A few minutes later the wife lets one go and
>> says, "Touchdown, tie score."
>>
>> After about five minutes the old man farts again
>> and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
>>
>> Not to be out done the wife rips another one and
>> says, "Touchdown, tie score."
>>
>> Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker
>> and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
>>
>> Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to
>> get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but
>> to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
>> unacceptable he gives it everything he has but
>> instead of farting he craps the bed.
>>
>> The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
>>
>> The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
>>

shannon

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Jason wanted to get his wife (the color of her hair is irrelevant) something nice for their first wedding anniversary, but also something useful. So he finally decided to get her a cell phone. His wife was very excited about the new phone and told him she loved it. He carefully went through all of the phone's features and showed her how to use it. The next day, she went shopping and took the phone with her. The phone rings and it's her husband.
"How do you like your new phone?" he asks.
"I love it, but there's something I don't understand," she replies.
"What's that?"

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Big Rob

BLONDE JOKE!@!@!@!@!@

Big Rob

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.


One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:


"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.


"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

ratt_finkel

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LMAO.....the fart football one was classic!!!

Big Rob

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Jet Fuel

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

Big Rob

Huntin' hillbilly

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like
hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his
hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting
license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and
picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't
from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license,
boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas
hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and
grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no
Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?" The
hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting
license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck,
sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's
from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?" Again
the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina
hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point,
and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?" The
hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You
tell me, expert."

Big Rob

WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE;
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how
woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
Football game is going to last before you take out the trash,
so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not> move or breathe, and she will stay
content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful
not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing"


Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they
can avoid if they remember the terminology.

shannon

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Wow... that terminology is dead on!... cool

shannon

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Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad