dom6996

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Okay, here goes...

Was laid off a year and half ago and found myself working as an independant consultant traveling back and forth every week for a Fortune 500 company. After six month as a consultant, even though I loved the money, I hated traveling and feeling like a visitor in my own house. I missed my wife and kids, I wanted to settle down.

I was offered a job with awesome benefits (10% annual bonus, pension plan, 401k) and salary with this Fortune 500 company and they even gave me a relo package. My wife and kids were on board to move and we've been in Texas for over a year and my kids seem happy, I am happy, but my wife is miserable.

We've bought a new car, and huge house in Texas, have a house in Arizona, and I am doing well with my job. My wife hates Texas, hates her job, and hates the fact that she hasn't had an acting job in over a year (she left acting when we moved to Texas). She not a Hollywood star, but she was doing stunt work, theatre, and a local access TV show. She is currently writing a screenplay.

Not to mention that my A-B honor roll son was horseplaying with another student at school and the student's mother pressed assualt charges. Another story, another time... Basically, we had to go to court and "we fought the law, but the law won"...

So my dilemma is that, even though I am happy, the fact that she's unhappy automatically cancels my happiness and now I am unhappy. Love's complicated...

What should I do? Leave my good paying job (money's not everything, but I love my job)? Sell the house and move out of state?

I want her to be able to quit her job, but we have over-extended our expenses and we'll have to get rid of some major debt before she can do that.

We've been married for 11+ years, but this situation is taxing our relationship.

Juli

Wow, i'm not as grown as you, I'm only 18, but I know my parents went through what you're going through right now...

When I was 14 we moved to Florida because my dad retired and my mom hated her job, and when we moved to Florida, we loved it. But soon after, things started to go wrong, and I hated my school, my dad hated his job, and my mom was unemployed. So, one day after dinner we had a family meeting and discussed the pros and cons of leaving Florida and moving back to washington... we realized that the pros outweigh the cons and so we stayed, and I am so glad that we did!

I know this is stupid advice, but this is the only advice that I have... sit down (I dont know how old your kids are, so maybe just sit down with your wife) and try to discuss what you all like about texas (that you couldnt find where you used to live) and discuss what all you dont like about texas, maybe write them down and try to make an educated decision on how you feel, real facts, and the money situation, etc etc. If you find that the pros outweigh the cons, help your wife find a new job or something.. theres always a new job out there for someone.

I hope this helped!

dom6996

Juli - You are wise beyond your years. I grew up fast, I was 20 when I had my first child...

Thank you for your advise, it's not stupid. It was quite good and spot on.

I will have a sit down and put things into perspective. Thx!

Juan.©amaney

Comes down to values. You might have to stick it out until its more financially feasible to follow a more "happier" path. Unless its going to destroy your marriage, tough it out and if your wife is anything of a true partner, she'll stick it out with you. I'm pretty sure you all will both still be miserable if you went back to where she is happy but couldn't afford the bills.

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dom6996

Yep. I keep telling myself the same thing. I am like Stuart Smalley - I look in the mirror each morning and give myself "Daily Affirmations"...

[in the words of Stuart Smalley]
"I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with."

I don't doubt that my wife won't stick it out... I just know she have a better acting career here eventually and for line of work, this place is Mecca...

Thanks Juli and Juan for your uplifting words; you haven't said anything I haven't already said or thought about, and it's nice to see that other people can relate to this dilemma.

[in the words of Stuart Smalley]
"You know what? I think this is the best thread I've ever done. And you know what? I deserve it! [ turn to the mirror ] Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!"

thisismoc

its quite the pickle your in, that is for sure. On the one hand, do you give up what you may have in the future for her to return to her comfort zone, or do you stay in what seems like yours?

Have the two of you openly discussed the issue? I wonder if there is a third location, possibly within your company's range, where she could also find work, and the kids could get the new start they are looking for. I guess the question you have to answer, and she can help with, is what is the price that you are willing to pay for happiness? Job and money and finanicial security can all be gone tomorrow. But if she is the one, then she wont be. I dont know if im making any sence, im pretty tired here, but i hope you can get your deal worked out!

MOC

HIJACKER

Just curious.. who's job is a bigger part of the financial support of the family?? If both are just as important or its about equal.. which one of you are in that "dream job" that you've worked so hard to get? Those are just a few things I would put into perspective when trying to figure out what to do.

Other things to think about is the cost of living in whichever area you choose to go. I'm not going to sit here and give you advice on what to do because your in a tough situation that only you can FULLY understand. I just figured I'd throw out a few things to think about as options to weigh out when deciding what to do.

REGARDLESS of any decision.. neither of you should argue and both you AND her should be 100% attentive to the situation and figure it out. This is really going to test the "compromise" portion of your marriage.

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OrdinaryGirl

As a woman who was just in a marriage in which the happiness stemmed from me and my discontent at certain things, feeling unfulfilled, wanting more in my career, etc, etc, my first response is to NOT run out and quit your job and start sacrificing yourself to "make it better". It's here happiness, it has to come from her.

Have a talk and try to find a way for her to feel more fulfilled without giving up those things that make you happy. You are married to her and love her and can support her, but ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness.

moviebuff88

im not sure if you can, but since it seems you're financially well off try treating her to some nice dinners and movies. do everything you can to give her happiness and keep her content. im sure you've thought of this, but there's my 2 cents. best of luck to finding out what works best for you and your family.

dom6996

Hijacker - thanks for the "advice". It is my job that is the bread winner and the reason we moved. We've sat down and talked, and agrued, and are seeking the help of a third party. We both agree that counseling is the best thing right now. I have a feeling that everything will work out, it's just a pain and seems to be slow going.

BIG THANKS to everyone who has posted, it's nice to see such a genuinely concerned group.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to work...

motoxfts

Hey man, I know i'm only 19, but maybe i can help, i know my parents, we moved to Virginia on a whim for a job my dad got when i was 10, after a year the job/company closed down, and my mom was the only one working, things were hard, but my dad found a job with another company and was promoted to VP after alot of things that shouldn't of happened happened, so i mean, sure, it might be bad and hard off, but sooner or later, things will begin to brighten up. and with your A-B honor roll student, that happened to me too so i feel the pain of that. but i hope things work out for you man, you seem to have good intentions and i hope i was able to help. keep the chin up, things like this happen for reasons no one can explain, you were relocated for a reason, for which, you nor your wife know yet, but when it is time, you will know.

stackssd

o k

mdocod

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maybe there is a way to remove the feeling of "financial" burdon... You were saying that you have "over-extended" a bit...

I hate to move to a possible solution that is so out of touch directly with feelings... But, I feel that a lot of the stresses in life, are related to the burdon of money..

Do you have debts that could be liquidated? (an extra car, boat, rv etc)? Sometimes, a fast track to feeling comfortable with finances, is to sell out of some obligations.

The result, could be, that your wife would feel less burdon, and could treat her work as play rather than fiscal needs. just a thought.

then again, i'm only 21. Another youngin trying to offer up help to someone with so much more experience and wisdom.

best of wishes.

Weezer1982

i have no clue, but good luck!